The Confessions of an Escapist v3

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

~~11:47 PM~~

I'm standing on a bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home

(chorus:)
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
Searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
'Cause nothing's going right
And everythigns a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home

(repeat chorus)

Oh why is everything so confusing
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yea yea yea

(repeat chorus)

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you...

-I'm with You, Avril Lavigne

One of Avril's older songs that I've been playing recently. It reminds me of the days when I was lovesick- to the point that I lay in bed all day and moped. Funny how I've moved on so fast- for all they were worth- they were pretty strong feelings. Now I think back, shake my head in disbelief, and wonder: ''Was I in such a mess back then?"

Monday, September 26, 2005

~~11:37 AM~~

Today was another day of realization.

I realised.

That I've been unhappy and miserable and gloomy and depressed and sad FOR WAY TOO LONG!!!

Upset sia..what's happening to me??!!!? I've been moping around and absorbing all the shit coming my way just like that..

Its time for a CHANGE!! No more mike bravo*. I'm not going to be affected by all this shit anymore. KNN

*mike bravo= machiam betul=like real

Sunday, September 25, 2005

~~4:46 PM~~

Keith bought Deadwood and I bought Carnivale; when he comes back to SG we'll swop the DVDs. A mad idea indeed.

I'm still waiting for Season 2 of Carnivale. Season 1 ended in such a cliffhanger man.. its like all the tension finally exploded, the climax was reached, and before you know it, you see the ending credits- the show is over.

Damn.

Friday, September 23, 2005

~~8:40 PM~~

I was thinking...maybe I wanna move out before i start Uni.

I seem to have two options: 1)Stay at the Prince George Hall at NUS, and 2)Rent an apartment.

The latter implies that cash is a prerequisite, which means that I may have to work extra hard during my long post-NS vacation to save up substantial moolah.

The former, on the other hand, seems more appealing. I hear they have single-occupant rooms. I'd much like to have a roommate, but I'd prefer someone I know, being the antisocial I am. However, I'm not really keen on hostel life, and you know, participating in all those lame hall activities and the sort.

Will have to think it through. I still have another year and a half. Lol.

I don't like home. I need more privacy in my life.

Monday, September 19, 2005

~~9:44 AM~~

Had a fight with mum yesterday. Over the management of my finances. I mean, all these years she's been controlling my finances down to the freaking penny. Now that I'm earning 500 bucks a month (not like its alot anyways but still), don't I deserve a little independence? Financially? Like for example, I should be able to pay for what I want to pay for? My transport costs? My meals? The few hundred I spent on Ayumi CDs and Carnivale DVDs?

"Since when have you paid for anything thats yours? No, you haven't done anything meaningful so far. You only think of yourself. The day you do something meaningful, maybe I'll let you manage your money."

That's what she said. When I confronted her. Basically I couldn't respond to what she said. It just made me wonder whether she had ever given a penny of thought or consideration for how others may feel before spilling the fucking words out of her mouth.

I was pissed. More hurt than pissed. I don't know how I'm going to survive with a mother like this.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

~~6:00 PM~~

GOD!! Where is everyone?! Must I endure the agony of consuming caffeine alone?

"The only certainty in life is death. "

I got that off a movie btw, if you're having any strange thoughts.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

~~10:06 AM~~

It was close to midnight when I was on my way home last night, and despite being sleepy, i got off the bus 3 stops earlier and ran all the way home on impulse.

Don't know why I did it. I guess i just wanted to let go of all the stress and pent-up feelings that had built up over the weeks. The feeling of the wind beating against your face when you run is simply priceless.

It feels even better when you're at sea. Sometimes, when I patrol, the steersman would prefer to navigate from the flybridge (i.e. out in the open air) than in the wheelhouse (inside the boat, where the traditional panels and steering and all is). Steering the boat from the flybridge is way cool. For one thing, you use this remote control that looks like a PS controller to steer the boat. The other thing is, you're exposed to the open air as the boat zips by at 40knots (more than 100km/h). The wind blows so strongly against you that you have to hold on for dear life lest get blown away. And the G-force is really shiok. Its like you can feel the skin on your face stretching under the pressure and speed. Its really the most exhilarating feeling I've felt in my life. Its one of the rare times when I feel completely happy.

Well, I guess I've found myself a new remedy to cure my lows, I reckon. Lol.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

~~2:29 PM~~

Went for the SINDA Academic Excellence Awards at NYP yesterday. Its ironic though that my results weren't excellent. With only 3As, I was probably the lousiest award winner there as everyone else had at least 1 Special Paper or got 4 As. I recognized many of the winners in the A-Level category, as most of them won the award for Os too. There were very few people from NJ at the awards yesterday- 3 girls, donning the NJ blazer (which can be recognized from miles away), who were there for the O-Level category; 4 guys (me, Pradip, Reuben and Cum) and 3 girls (Mirriam and 2 others) for the A-level cat. Basically everyone else was a Rafflesian or Victorian. However, I had a great time in the end, as I managed to reconcile with Pradip (surprise?) after our standoff for nearly 2 years.

Muahahahaha.

So the more times you get this award, the more prestigious it becomes, since less and less people keep getting it consecutively. Like yesterday, there were only 50 second time recepients, and about 15 third time recepients. Hmmm. If I want to get it for the third time, it will have to be under the University category. Its pretty hard to win one for that category though. Basically you have to graduate from either NUS or NTU with second-upper or first class honours to qualify for the award.

Hence, my long-term goal: to get into the honours program, and gradute with at least second upper. Indeed a long term goal. University is still years away for me.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

~~2:30 PM~~

I finally watched Girl, Interrupted earlier. I felt it was a really good movie, which brought out many issues, the most interesting of which, I find, the point about psychologists. Its true, 90% of all psychologists are dumbfucks. They treat their work as an outright chore, a job, instead of seeing their line of work as service, as a way of rendering help to others. Most of them- which utterly pisses me off- think that any bizarre human behaviour can immediately be linked to a "disease", which can therefore be cured by medicine. What if the patient does not "respond" to the treatment? Diagnosis: patient is slow on the road to recovery. Recommended course of action: to stay in a institution for mental health for a certain period of time. Honestly, I find this a load of ridiculous BULLshit. For crying out loud, these psychologists do not really know what they want in life. Most are just doing their jobs for the money, or have had disillusioned ambitions of wanting to be a psychologist and then realising that dream. How many passionately feel that it is their calling in life to help others find their way in their lives? How many actually put themselves in their patients' shoes, empathise with them, instead of rattling off a diagnosis of some disease and the appropriate medicine to cure it? Truly, there are few real psychologists out there- those who really give a damn, those who feel a sense of satisfaction in helping someone else and subsequently seeing their efforts pay off. The rest are all losers who just want to flaunt their degrees.

The other noteworthy point which was brought up in the movie, was mentioned by the lead character, Susanna (played by Winona Ryder): "You keep dreaming of death, but when you see death, when you see death in your face, then you realise how ridiculous it is to dream about death." Interesting, ain't it? Got me thinking as well.

On a sidenote, don't take things here too seriously/sensitively. If you're offended, I can't help you because I write for my own satisfaction.

Food for thought. Just my two cents' worth.

Friday, September 02, 2005

~~11:43 AM~~

I realise I've been kinda foolish and naive.

Moral of the story is, take everything with a pinch of salt. Believe me.

Like my friend Low says, "Don't get involved, don't take sides, stay neutral, do your work sui sui, go back home. After all, are you really part of this team? You're an NSman."

Yesterday, I patrolled with Mr. Jango (lol) again (effectively my favourite crew commander). Every time I learn something new about my life when he tells me stuff. I trust and respect him. He's not like the other cheebye mats in my team (you know, the ones who fucking equate girls with sex, and have the fuck-and-throw mentality). In fact, he's the role model for every stray around- married with two kids, doesn't smoke or drink, never had pre-marital sex.

Speaking of which, I don't understand the hoohah about pre-marital sex anyways.

As far as I'm concerned, I'd give myself exclusively to my soulmate. By soulmate, I mean someone I'm intimate enough with (not physically of course, I mean on the emotional and intellectual level) to spend the rest of my life with that person. Doesn't really matter whether its before or after marriage. As long as I know the direction I'm headed in.

Bottomline is, I'd never lose my virginity to someone who sells her body (i.e. a whore, they deserve to be called that), or to some pathetic cheap fling/scandal/affair.

The thing is, my philosophy yields me rude stares and comments, classifying me as an "abnormal" person, possibly "one who lacks human desires"?

To that, I quote my crew commander: "At the end of the day, its up to the individual, whether you want to be classified as 'normal' or 'abnormal'. Its either you don't know how to think for yourself, and you follow the crowd, or you make your own decisions, challenge the norm. Which will it be?"

I choose the latter, and can only hope you do too.