The Confessions of an Escapist v3

Sunday, August 28, 2005

~~3:33 PM~~

The other day, I was washing the dishes when my finger accidentally got cut (cut, not cut off) by one of the cooking knives. Blood immediately oozed out from the wound and I had a morbid thought. I wondered what it would be like if I plunged the knife through my body. Like, would there really be anything to lose? Anyway, I'm a wussy when it comes to pain (like what Naveen said of himself); so after a few minutes of stoning, I quickly put away the knife and cleaned up the mess in the sink.

Everyday I question the purpose of my existence, and everyday I fail to find an answer. *fumbles towards salvation*

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

~~2:48 PM~~

After reading En's blog, I feel truly proud and happy for her that she has finally moved on. You've finally grown stronger; no longer weak and vulnerable. I remember clearly how I used to think in the past, after many conversations with you, that perhaps I should just give up and stop bothering to help you. After all, it was none of my business anyway. Thinking back, I'm glad I didn't give up on you, and I'm happy that some of my advice has helped you. Most of all, I'm glad that you know that you have to help yourself first if you want others to help you. Wish you all the best in the years to come =)

Monday, August 22, 2005

~~7:55 PM~~

[Me]Ethan Hawke, Uma Thurman: Gattaca (1997) says:
i took a nap earlier adn had the weirdest dream ever

[Keith]No kiddo at this moment this is me at my most masochistic says:
u married ayumi

--

No kiddo at this moment this is me at my most masochistic says:
i wish i were a pig

Ethan Hawke, Uma Thurman: Gattaca (1997) says:
so u can roll in the mud?

No kiddo at this moment this is me at my most masochistic says:
so i can cook myelf

No kiddo at this moment this is me at my most masochistic says:
kfc suxs

LOL. another one of those hilarious conversations I have with Keith.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

~~2:56 PM~~

Hello, what's up?

Well, nothing much has been going on in my life recently, I've managed to keep my thoughts about *that* minimal, I'm moving on....and oh yeah, I had an embarassing fall yesterday at work [during patrol, if you must know; our boat and the other boat were practising alongside, the boats bumped into each other, I lost my balance, the rest is history]. And did I mention how much i respect Gigi [one of my crew commanders]?

Well that's beside the point, and I've decided not to rant about my shortcomings at work anymore, for fear that my colleagues may have somehow discovered the existence of my blog [being the rumour mongers they are].

So earlier, I finally watched Gattaca. It turned out to be the kind of sci-fi flick I adore [the ones with some action, suspense, plot twists, and a dash of romance]. Did i mention how much I like Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke? They make such a great couple on screen..boy was I jealous.

Was just thinking about what Gigi told me yesterday, about how we shouldn't sleep just before/during sunset. I've never done that before actually. Nowadays I either sleep in the wee hours of the morning [1-2am], or late afternoons [3pm]. My dreams are becoming more detailed and intense with each passing day. In fact they're pretty disturbing, and I feel kinda morbid waking up trying to remember the dream I just had, and then remembering it clearly. Bah.

Shall stop here. Reporting for work soon.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

~~11:56 AM~~

I had an overly-fun weekend. Saturday was spent catching up with dear ol' s23. Sunday saw me slacking off at a friend's place all the way till like 1am, when i reluctantly trudged back home, only to sleep at 3am. And wake up for work 2 hours later. Lol.

Anyways, that's besides the point. Recently, I've been talking to the people in my team, trying to get to know them better, trying to figure out their characters. Which got me thinking- is it really worth it to go all out to please the superiors you have?

One is a fucker, who simply wants to have his ass insured at all times, and when his ass is bust, he screws everyone. The other is an excellent colleague (very focussed, knowledgeable, disciplined, helpful) but turns out to have a rather deviant lifestyle (massage parlours, spas, girl-ogling) and is obsessed with SEX. The third one seems alright to me on the exterior, but people tell me not to "trust him because he is colour biased". Strangely, I wasn't all that surprised, and I laughed sadly at that comment, remembering one of FI Panther's trademark one-liners: "I'm not a colour bar fucker!" LOL. [Edit: I totally omitted one other superior I have, but simply put he's a fucker, and a retard too. That makes him a fucktard.]

Which brings me back to the question, would you really work your ass off to gain the favour of these guys? Negative. The contingency will be to "work smart, not hard". Which means that you'll have to know who you trust and who you don't. Actually, now that its been one month since I began patrolling, I kinda know who to trust and who not to already. I've singled out like about 3 people whom I can wholly trust. So, I shall just perform as efficiently as I want to, and if I get condemned, so be it. I'm fucking off from there in 1.5years anyways.

Kamal tells me PNSmen are selected to be PNSmen by CMPB because they have higher EQ levels than army NSmen, and this is a necessity for police officers who must have good social skills. LOL, seems like an interesting explanation, but that would make me an anomaly, no? An antisocial, among these social animals?

In retrospect, I guess its the heightened EQ levels that make SPF so full of politics, with everyone covering their own asses, and stabbing each others' backs. Anyways, the regulars always tell the NSmen:

"Aiya, not happy sign on lah!"

HAHA. *arrogant snort* I'm determined to study hard enough to get the credentials I need for a job that pays me enough to skip reservice. LOL. Anyway, I swear if I ever do sign on to the police force, I'll make sure I come back to Coast Guard as an Inspector. And I'll look down on you, you lowly miser of a Sergeant, or Staff Sergeant, with a smirk that says: Be careful of what you wish for.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

~~2:57 PM~~

Keith's cat died because it jumped off the balcony from the fifth floor. Upset sia. RIP.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

~~10:53 PM~~

What a small world. When I was on my way back home I stumbled into one of my buddies back in Police Academy. Seems he's an SSO at PCC now, and in contact with many of my ex-squadmates. Anyways it seems some of them have already been promoted to SC/CPL? Wtf? Here I am slogging away with 15-hour shifts, getting nothing in return (not that I'm asking for anything), and they, who enjoy the comfort of air-con offices, 8-5 jobs, get promoted so fast? Sigh. What a morale booster.

Anyway, I guess I've learnt not to trust anyone wholeheartedly (especially colleagues). Its really vicious politics out there man. Everyone's out to chew each others' heads off, and if you don't look after your back, you'll definitely get raped. As for me, well, I'm getting used to my failed attempts at keeping a low profile. Its just been like what, a month since I began patrolling, and everyone in my team knows me, or rather knows something about me that I don't recall telling them. And strangely, people from other teams come up to me and say 'hi' like I was an old friend or something..sheesh. Therefore, I try to be friendly with most people. Nevertheless, I do not hide my contempt for those I bear grudges against (especially those with fuckfaces, I really have a thing against that).

Bah, shall not elaborate too much on this. Who knows who is reading my blog nowadays. Anyway, looking forward to the weekend. My first weekend off in ages. I'm so gonna chill out, and drown myself in coffee. Mmmm.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

~~12:51 AM~~

People who listen to Ayumi just because she's a "chio Japanese babe" or a pop-sensation are just lame. She should be appreciated for her immense talent. Of course, not vocally, but lyrically. How many artistes/singers do you know that have written all the songs they've sung? Or have the courage to give a go at arrangement and production even though they have no experience? Honestly, to all those shallow people with this utterly narrow perception, I have this to say: get your hormones in check, and try reading her lyrics for a start, and hopefully you'll have the mental capacity to understand them.

P.S. Happy birthday Singapore! I feel strangely patriotic. Is it because I'm serving NS now?

P.P.S. Updates tomorrow, I'm too tired. From work and all.

Monday, August 08, 2005

~~3:41 PM~~

I'm bored, so I decided to do this quiz that tobias sent me:

What do you think about Ouija boards?
Very very intriguing. I've never tried contacting anyone though. Don't think they have any such mediums in Singapore anyway.
Favorite TV shows?
English dramas, like The Practice, Ally McBeal, Roswell, Taken, The X-Files etc. Japanese anime too, like Strange Dawn, Ranma1/2, Cooking Master Boy, Grander Musashi, Vandread etc etc.
What's on your mousepad?
Erm. My mouse ^_^;
Favorite magazine?
Err..used to like Time. Nowadays, i read Scientific American.
Favorite smells?
The smell of fried bacon and eggs in the morning. Mmmmmm.
Worst feeling in the world?
The horrible feeling you get in your gut when you know you can't have something you want so badly.
Best feeling in the world?
The satisfaction from helping people get through turbulent times.
What is the first thing you think when you wake up?
If its an off day: What time is it? Can I get back to sleep? If I'm on duty: *Groanz* Another day at work. I don't wanna get up! *Moan*
Do you get motion sickness?
Nope. After serving with Police Coast Guard, I can even balance myself on a moving bus without holding on to the handrails. Lol!
Rollercoasters--scary or exciting?
Both.
Pen or pencil?
Pencil.
How many rings before you answer the phone?
Oh, many. No wonder people get pissed at me whenever they try to contact me.
Future son's name?
Never thought of it actually.
Future daughter's name?
Natalie. I just love that name, its sexy.
Favorite foods?
Too many to list.
Do you get along with your parents?
Try to.
Chocolate or vanilla?
Eh..both.
Favorite ice cream?
Anything that's mango flavoured.
Do you like to drive?
I would like to, I don't have a license though.
Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
Err. When I was a kid yes. Nowadays I sleep with my pillow and bolster.
If you could meet one person, dead or alive, who would it be?
......This is a tough question. If the question was changed to "If i could meet one being", I'd say God. To see for myself if he exists.
Favorite alcoholic drink?
Mudshakes and cocktails. Hate beer and vodka.
What is your zodiac sign?
Aries. Not a typical Aries guy though.
Who is your favorite poet?
Robert Frost. Nothing gold can stay..
Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
If they're not too hard, and cooked the way I like it.
If a girl asked for the shirt off your back would you give it to her?
Are you kidding? I don't happen to have some Greek God-esque sculpted body, unfortunately. I have issues ^_^;
If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be?
Publicist or producer for Ayumi.
If you could dye your hair any color, what would it be?
Brown.
Have you ever been in love?
Guess so...don't really wanna dwell on this though. Next question.
What is on the walls in your room?
Random posters of aliens, predators, Natalie Imbruglia, Ayumi, Shiri Appleby.
Is the glass half empty or half full?
Half empty.
What is your favorite snapple?
The grape flavoured one. Oh and the ice peach tea too.
Favorite movie(s):
Man..this is tough cause I'm a movie freak. For the record, The Matrix, LOTR and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Are you a lefty, righty, or ambidextrous?
Ambidextrous.
Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?
Never. All on the wrong keys.
What's under your bed?
Piles and piles of stuff I'm lazy to sort out and clear.
Favorite sport to watch?
Golf? The Olympics? Lol.

alrightey, off to work. Ciaos

Saturday, August 06, 2005

~~1:02 AM~~

well. its a long road ahead, but i'm glad i've stepped on it with the right foot. slowly, but surely, i will prove my worth. i must go for my Steersman course in 6 months time.

anyway, i just realised, when i received an sms, that annual parade at SJI will be held on monday (8 aug). sigh. if only i had realised earlier, i would have taken leave man. i'm working night shift on that day! dang. i do sorely miss my life as a Josephian man..although i was a total wreck now that i look back lol.

oh well, i guess i've kinda stepped out of the doldrums. took me that long. i was utterly smitten by depression. but i'm recovering. things are starting to look up.. at least a little =)

no more clamouring, fruitless pursuits shall be abandoned..

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

~~10:51 AM~~

Say also don't listen
Listen also don't understand
Not understand also don't ask
Ask also don't do
Do also do wrong
Wrong also don't admit
Admit also don't correct
Correct also not happy
Not happy also don't say

LOL. saw this on someone's sig when i was randomly browsing through forums. i'm sure everyone can relate to this, lol. true, ain't it?

Monday, August 01, 2005

~~11:02 AM~~

Singaporeans are really hypocrites man. here they are, criticizing popular Singaporean blogs for "lacking content", being "childish, immature" when they themselves are the ones who made the blogs popular in the first place. and as one guy wrote in the newspaper, just because popular Singaporean blogs are "childish", it should not be inferred that ALL of them are childish too. there happen to be many blogs out there which hold their ground on solid issues; unfortunately, they just happen to be rather obscure. sheesh. and whats the hoohah about Singaporean blogs being "self-absorbed"? go fuck yourself. why should you give a rat's ass if i intend to blog about events in my life? is it wrong to not have a ballooned-up ego? is it wrong to write without an audience in mind? seriously, if you abhor what someone blogs about, just fucking close the window and quit whining about it like a pansy la. sheesh.

in other news, i've been in a foul mood since about 1am, mainly because things screwed up at work, for the first time since i joined my team. i have a few comments, directed specifically at you. so you think that SCs are bloody useless? you think NSFs are fucked up right? we never do our jobs well right? WELL, why don't you bloody try doing nine fucking hours of main gate sentry? you think we were slacking right? i'll say this, we fucking weren't ok. we were awake, we weren't talking. you think i'm stupid enough not to notice him? must you find lame excuses to put the blame on me? "you la, never wear your specs." i'm not fucking blind okay? i can SEE when someone walks by me. especially when he's dressed in white, for crying out loud. "you la, listening to mp3s." does that necessarily mean i wasn't paying attention? wah lau eh. you're just trying to find a scapegoat la. have you thought about what you've been doing? fucking loafing around all night?

you know what. why don't you just ask your beloved regulars to take over. come have a hands-on at sentry. we'll see how good they are. oh, no worries, they're always right, they're perfect. not like us. we are NSFs, we are fucked up.

god..am i glad i'm patrolling on my next shift. i had enough of sentry duties man.

just feeling damn pissed at how people can be so unreasonable. i think i'll go sleep now.