i don't know what to say.

all these years i've managed to effectively conceal my feelings. and i used to think that i was 'strong', secretly sneering at people who whiled away their time yearning and waiting for impossible things to materialize. or hopelessly staring at the mobile phone, waiting for an SMS that was never sent. and i labelled them as 'weak'. of course, i felt it was my duty to help them, and i did. believe me, i've counselled quite a few people.

its ironic that their fate has been bestowed on me. i mean, if you are able to help someone overcome a particular obstacle, its kinda inherently assumed that that obstacle is not an obstacle for you, right?

goddamnit la. how would i have known so many things would have happened over one fucking weekend? things that would leave me yearning? me? who has perfected the way of the hermit? it just feels so absurd and hypocritical for me to be saying this. really.

sigh. i feel lost. why is my entire will, and all my thought bent on one thing? fuck lah. i've never yearned for anything like this before.

arghhhhp0508- V_#(%2oyu08ty0]jpJ07986n(&$xy(@qy$)*OIo@*()$^ ncoihc )n)n#@%yu #hr%(p{#qp_p o#@(%u_(#_}%@}{)(U#C %)U_}_}#_

nvm. i will wait for the call. or the reply. it will come. i have to have it.

i feel pathetic that i've been reduced to this state.. what will i do? and yet, i feel like a burden's been lifted off my chest with this post.

i honestly don't need this right now. not when i'm at an important crossroad in my NS. god.. i just hope i don't screw everything up.