The Confessions of an Escapist v3

Friday, July 29, 2005

~~3:14 PM~~

hello.

nothing much, today's my off day.feeling bored and lethargic. mainly because i'm working this weekend. and i just burned last weekend. and from the looks of it, i'm working next weekend too. sigh.

i'm trying my best at work.even if nobody notices it. i mean, i'm making an effort to familiarise myself with the patrol sectors, with the admin matters of Delta, with seamanship, with boat handling, with everything it takes to be a good coast guard officer. i can handle it, seriously, i have no problems. but then i can't handle the added pressure from station sergeant, who nags at me everyday to get my IPPT silver. geez..i mean, let me learn things related to my job first la..IPPT can come later. 2 consecutive shifts of patrol shags me out enough, do i have to fit in some intensive training regime too? NOW??? i need time to sort things out!!

in other news, was invited to the SINDA academic excellence awards ceremony, coming soon in september i think. i was quite flattered to be receiving this award again, didn't expect it with my grades. anyway, wasn't really very enthusiastic.. the previous time they were preaching about how one ex- award recepient is now an active volunteer with SINDA, and how they hope all of us will follow in that person's footsteps. its like, they're subtly hinting that since they're giving you the award, you're expected to "repay" the debt through service. not that i have anything against that, but seriously, i'm not one who spends my free time helping my ethnic counterparts or something..call me selfish or whatever. sheesh. anyway i don't even have time for such things. already i'm working enough weekends. i need my life too you know? i wanna spend time at the movies, chill out at a coffe joint with my friends, stayover at friends' places etc etc etc. besides, half the people i met at the previous award ceremony were snobs. at that time, i was like the only one from NJ. most of em were from VJ or RJ. they spoke like snobs, acted like snobs, and most of all looked at me with contempt just because i wasn't from an "elite" junior college. honestly, i do not need to include these people in my social circle. i'm pretty fine with mine right now.. my regular friends are all i need man. anytime.

oh, and i feel like Ally Mcbeal right now. its like, everything seems to be going right for you, and you still feel void, you know? sucks doesn't it. haha. somebody save me!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

~~1:25 PM~~

Romaji

kokoro ga kogatsuite
yakeru nioi ga shita
sore wa yume no owari
subete no hajimari datta

akogareteta mono wa
utsukushiku omoete
te ga todokanai kara
kagayaki o mashita no darou

kimi no kudake chitta yume no hahen ga
boku no mune o sashite
wasurete wa ikenai itami toshite kizamareteku

hana no you ni hakanai no nara
kimi no moto de sakihokoru deshou
soshite egao mitodoketa ato
sotto hitori chitteyuku deshou

kimi ga zetsubou to iu
nanofuchi ni tatasare
soko de mita keshiki wa donna mono datta no darou

ikibasho o nakushite samayotteru
mukidashi no kokoro ga
fureru no o osorete
surudoi toge harimeguraseru

tori no you ni habatakeru nara
kimi no moto e tondeyuku deshou
soshite kizu o otta sono se ni
boku no hane o sashidasu deshou

hana no you ni hakanai no nara
kimi no moto de sakihokoru deshou
soshite egao mitodoketa ato
sotto hitori chitteyuku deshou

tori no you ni habatakeru nara
kimi no moto e tondeyuku deshou
soshite kizu o otta sono se ni
boku no hane o sashidasu deshou

kaze no you ni nagareru no nara
kimi no soba ni tadoritsuku deshou
tsuki no you ni kagayakeru nara
kimi o terashitsuzukeru deshou

kimi ga mou kore ijou
nido to kowai mono o
minakute sumu no nara
boku wa nan ni demo narou

English Translation

Your heart began to be scorched,
and there was a smell of it
It was the end of your dream,
and the start of everything

What you adored looked beautiful to you
It became even brighter because you couldn't reach it

The broken pieces of your dream
Pierce my heart
Leaving the pain
That I should never forget

If my life is transient like a flower
I'll be in full bloom by your side
And after watching your smile
I'll fall alone, quietly

How was the scenery you saw
When you were pushed into an abyss of despair

Your naked heart is wandering
Having nowhere to go
And is setting sharp thorns around
For fear of being touched

If I could flutter like a bird
I would fly to you
And offer my wing
To your wounded back

If my life is transient like a flower
I'll be in full bloom by your side
And after watching your smile
I'll fall alone, quietly

If I could flutter like a bird
I would fly to you
And offer my wing
To your wounded back

If I could flow like the wind
I would reach you
If I could shine like a moon
I would keep shining on you

I'll be anything
If it can stop you from being seized with fear

-Moments, Ayumi Hamasaki

stellar lyrics, no? i particularly enjoyed the video, which had scenes of her dressed in this white robe, carrying a candle and walking down the hallway of a massive mansion. damn artistic.

Monday, July 25, 2005

~~9:35 PM~~

well, i'm beginning to like Delta pretty much after my first two shifts at work. the people in this team are very helpful actually, and very patient. and forgiving. basically everyone adopts the "we're all here to learn, its ok to make mistakes" philosophy, and i'm not complaining. intriguingly, i've noticed that first impressions really form lasting impressions here in Delta. people scrutinize your actions on your first day there- and draw as many conclusions as they can about you, based on the way you carry yourself. this isn't necessarily a good thing, as certain things have happened (that would be inappropriate to be discussed here). as far as i can see, i've made a fairly reasonable first impression (i won't say good, that would be a tad too egoistic). seems that the senior NSFs have judged my potential, and have rated me as a "strong SC to-be". basically they've hinted to me that they want me to become a Steersman in future, to take over "the other strong SCs who are going to ORD". which effectively means the regulars are gonna monitor me closely, and i can't slack during patrol (not that i wanted to anyway). i'll have to be on form for the next 6 months or so the very least. i hope to live up to their expectations la.. i mean i don't intend to waste away my remaining time in NS. if i do become a steersman, i'll have a class 3 (boat) license. which is pretty cool, right? how many civilians have boat licenses? lol.

that said, looks like i gotta make sme major changes in my outlook of life. not too long ago i used to live for weekends, they were my sole motivation to endure the agony of weekdays. and now, its like there's been a revolution in my life: i just worked away the previous weekend, and this coming weekend i'm working too. looks like its gonna take time for me to adjust to this alien schedule. right now on my off days i feel bereft of any will or purpose. i feel like driftwood.

of course, there's that other thought constantly gnawing at the back of my mind, craving for attention. sigh. what should i do?

how long before i break down these walls? how long before you let me in?

Saturday, July 23, 2005

~~12:50 PM~~

sia la.. Team Delta, Gul Regional Base. my new team, which i'll be with for the next 1.5 years. its actually the smallest team in GRB. not many regulars, 3 female regulars, and quite a large proportion of NSFs. oh and did i mention? too many mats. -_-"

anyway yeterday was my first day at work as a patrol officer. and guess what? i kena sentry. just great.lol. sentry is like a really elaborate affair in Team Delta. there are several duties a sentry has to do, namely main gate watch, prowler, station diarist, and jetty/tower sentry. well, can't help it.. being a noob i was pretty much tekaned. by the station sergeant, and by the mats. zzz.lol. shall not comment. who knows one of them may be reading my blog. anonymous readership of this blog is reaching unhealthy levels..but i'm veering off topic.

anyway i worked 15hours yesterday. and if you're on sentry you work slightly less than when you're on patrol. and guess what? i'm patrolling tonight. is today a saturday? i have no life sia..working on friday and saturday.

anyways. i won't be having any life from now on. duty roster for Team Delta this year is pretty fucked up. i'm working a shitload of weekends. oh and did you know xmas falls on a sunday? which means monday is a public holiday for civilians? and guess what? i'm working on BOTH days.

oh, and i'm working on hari raya.. what else? deepavali? oh yea and new years' eve. so there. enough said. i shall spare the reader a paragraph of vulgarities.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

~~7:39 PM~~

i don't know what to say.

all these years i've managed to effectively conceal my feelings. and i used to think that i was 'strong', secretly sneering at people who whiled away their time yearning and waiting for impossible things to materialize. or hopelessly staring at the mobile phone, waiting for an SMS that was never sent. and i labelled them as 'weak'. of course, i felt it was my duty to help them, and i did. believe me, i've counselled quite a few people.

its ironic that their fate has been bestowed on me. i mean, if you are able to help someone overcome a particular obstacle, its kinda inherently assumed that that obstacle is not an obstacle for you, right?

goddamnit la. how would i have known so many things would have happened over one fucking weekend? things that would leave me yearning? me? who has perfected the way of the hermit? it just feels so absurd and hypocritical for me to be saying this. really.

sigh. i feel lost. why is my entire will, and all my thought bent on one thing? fuck lah. i've never yearned for anything like this before.

arghhhhp0508- V_#(%2oyu08ty0]jpJ07986n(&$xy(@qy$)*OIo@*()$^ ncoihc )n)n#@%yu #hr%(p{#qp_p o#@(%u_(#_}%@}{)(U#C %)U_}_}#_

nvm. i will wait for the call. or the reply. it will come. i have to have it.

i feel pathetic that i've been reduced to this state.. what will i do? and yet, i feel like a burden's been lifted off my chest with this post.

i honestly don't need this right now. not when i'm at an important crossroad in my NS. god.. i just hope i don't screw everything up.

i am enamoured of your persona, your charisma, your voice, your everything. you are omnipresent in my eyes. i worship you.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

~~10:16 AM~~

gosh.. POP in no.1. i'm never gonna forget it sia. so. i'm finally a full-fledged Police Coast Guard Officer. kinda sad actually. i'm gonna miss my friends who aren't going to the same base as me. sigh.

aiya..alot of things to say. but i just don't know how tyo express myself right now.

will update later..

Saturday, July 09, 2005

~~11:41 AM~~

boy.

9 days have passed just like that, and i am totally shagged after fulfilling my duties as a security personnel at the IOC meet.

well, london won the bid for 2012. damn. i was rooting for Paris actually.

on a sidenote, it was rather unfortunate that london was bombed. in this case the victims were truly innocent civilians..there's really nothing else left to say. it was a rude shock.

anyway, after the bombing it was even more stressful for us police officers already working very hard behind the scenes. all sectors were on standby at high alert, and at my sector, we had to conduct 120% safety/security checks on every vehicle passing by (up from the usual 100% checks we were doing for the past few days).

i guess our efforts paid off, as we ended our 9-day vigil earlier this morning, ensuring no bomb exploded in Singapore during the meet. to sum it all, this deployment has been truly an eye-opener for me. it is indeed rare for police coast guard officers to be deployed for land duties..so we have to treasure all the land experience we can get. over the one and a half weeks, i made many new friends among the reservists and division personnel. truly a great bunch of people to work with. i actually felt sad this morning when we broke off and said our final goodbyes before parting.

well..looks like i have the weekend to recuperate from this stressful past week. and i have to gear up for POP. which happenes to be on next friday btw. busy busy busy. i haven't even sent my no.1 for drycleaning. haven't put on the buttons. haven't polished boots. die la.

in the meantime..i'm off to catch War of the Worlds. i'll prolly update some other time.

okay okay..i'll post up the pics soon k? whoever was the one who spread the rumour that i look cute in my uniform. is gonna get it.

ciao

Monday, July 04, 2005

~~12:54 PM~~

literally spent the entire weekend at Raffles City, screening cargo-laden vehicles for explosives. well, if i were an IOC member..i'd really feel secure in singapore. i mean. this is as tight as security can get. just look at the number of police officers being deployed for this event. its practically 75% of the police force. if quantity does not justify the level of security, consider the equipment we use. special UV mirrors, the C4 electronic sniffer (to detect chemical signatures of explosives) as well as dogs from SOC K-9 unit (trained to sniff out drugs and explosives), and not to mention, standard police officer protocol (baton, revolver, handcuffs).

hmm.and on sunday when were were about to hand over duty to the morning shift officers, this inspector came up to our screening bay, and told us to re-screen one lorry we had just screened. apparently he wanted to film the screening process, ss part of a video to be presented to CP. he insisted that "one of the guys with beret go up the vehicle. more garang". LOL. the only guys with berets in the screening bay were the 4 coast guard officers. and somehow all of them managed to slip away, leaving me in the limelight. nugget. so i had to don my beret and pretend to screen the vehicle. it so happened that the lorry was laden with fresh chicken. and there was goo all over the floor surface. and i nearly slipped sia lol. so..i feel honoured to be in a video that's gonna be shown to our commissioner..lol!

well, after barely a night of rest, i'm back on duty again. later.

rest assured, people of Singapore and International Olympic Committee, your security is safe in our hands =)

Friday, July 01, 2005

~~8:06 AM~~

my mind has been way too overactive recently. in the day, my focus easily drifts from tasks at hand, and instead i spend hours thinking about things that really won't make my day any better. at night, when i hit the sack, it no longer feels like sleeping anymore. its more like lying in bed awake, but with my eyes closed. . vivid dreams overwhelm and devour me through the night. and i mean the whole night. when i wake up in the morning, i feel utterly spent and lethargic. my body aches, and my head spins, its like i don't get any rest from sleeping anymore. moreover, i can remember my dreams now. and i mean clearly and accurately. its disturbing enough for me to recall bits and pieces of my morbid dreams, let alone the whole dream. all this culminates in me feeling moody the whole day. this really doesn't help at this stressful period of time with POP coming snd all. arghhhhhh

anyway, speaking of POP, its been postponed to 15 July. because of the International Olympic Committee convention here in sg from 6th-9th July. seems that security for this event is so tight and extensive that there are not enough regulars to do the task. and so NSmen are being mobilised too. well mostly coast guard officers are being mobilised. so from 1-10 July i will be involved in the security of the IOC convention. the thing is, i've been assigned to a permanent night shift group (9pm-9am). which means i will be working only night shifts during this deployment. its terrible..we get only 1 night off for working 2 nights.

grrr. i still don't know my job scope yet. apparently they say PCG is involved in detecting explosives..hmmm. i'll be going for the briefing later to find out. anyway, if u see me in full uniform (complete with beret and firearms) around Raffles City, do entertain me. i'm gonna be so bored.

nabei. if not for this thing i'll be POPing this coming thursday.