The Confessions of an Escapist

2007-06-11T13:06:00.000+08:00

I feel pretty weary about doing this, but the time has come:

THIS BLOG IS CLOSING DOWN.

Why?

Mainly because the personification of this blog can no longer be considered to be synonymous with me. There is an air of superficiality and artificiality in this blog, and it was intentional. However, the author of this blog died several months ago, and hence the shutting down of this blog inevitably follows.

That is not to say that this blog hasn't paid its dues. It has served its purpose for almost 3 years now. For nostalgia's sake, I shall not delete the blog.

But it's time to move on.

I've moved here if anyone is interested (or wants to update their links).

2007-04-25T15:59:00.000+08:00

What I've been listening to lately. Awesome stuff.

British pop infused with alot of jazz and soul elements. Amy Winehouse has very unique vocals- a distinct drawl à la Anastacia- and yet in a class of its own.

Give it a listen if you're the adventurous sort of person. You won't regret it.

2007-04-21T23:43:00.000+08:00

I woke up today with the worst hangover ever. It felt like my brain was clawing its way out of my skull. Went over to an aunt's place last night for some gathering. She had an amazing stash of wine. I think I downed a bottle of some French wine, can't really remember. Thing is, I felt fine before going to bed. I wasn't even drunk. I felt happy. Really really euphoric. Happier than I've been in months, in fact. Sad, eh?

2007-03-27T16:31:00.000+08:00

Buddy of mine went on an impulsive trip to some skincare/beauty salon to get some exfoliation treatment.

"They used an array of fancy-sounding techniques. Chief is the microdermabrasive suction tool which uses microscopic diamond dust blades to exfoliate dead cells and a precision vacuum to suck away debris and clogged pores. Also there was high-frequency energy pulsation to kill bacteria and stimulate cell renewal."

"I feel like a newborn! My skin is really smooth and even now."

I was mortified, needless to say.

So, now I'm torn. A voice in my head goes, "Omg, why are you pulling this coming-out gimmick on me? You could've told me you were gay! I would understand!"

Of course, the antagonist in my head goes: "You know you want to try it."

So the question is, to try (and secretly be a hypocrite)? Or not to try (and diss my friend off as gay!)?

The things I'm introduced to these days. Amazing.

2007-03-23T12:46:00.000+08:00

Recently, a good friend of mine told me that he was seriously considering quitting his Honours year, due to a burnout/lack of motivation (although it wasn't an option as his dad wouldn't let him). This made me take a step back and think of my own future. All along I've had everything planned, almost definitely certain about the path I want to take, the things I want to do. However I've always chosen to ignore the need for a contingency plan, even though the thought that something will go wrong, if it can go wrong has been nagging away from within.

Sometimes we try hard to deceive ourselves that we really want something and nothing else just because it gives us a false sense of security. I've thought about this countless times- do I really want to go down this road? Am I going to truly commit to this?

The answer is a resounding yes everytime. I've never been a quitter, I've taken most challenges I've faced in good stride. This will be just another obstacle to overcome. I guess it's still too early to be decisive, I'll have to tread the waters to get a feel of things first.

2007-03-17T01:06:00.000+08:00

Well, tonight was just another night where me and Keith argued over something, and today's somewhat heated exchange ended off pretty humourously and amicably:

Me: haix

Me: i think its better if we didnt exist

Me: then we wouldnt have to worry why we existed

Me: suicide pact?

Keith: u nuts ar

Keith: i wanna do things

Haha. Gotta love that guy.

2007-03-11T01:27:00.000+08:00

300. I found it well worth my months of anticipation and nine bucks. I think the only flaws of the movie weren't exactly the movie's fault, it had to do with Frank Miller's own portrayal of Persians (as a twisted people, shrouded in mysticism). In fact I wouldn't really consider them "flaws" per se; after all, 300 was a graphic novel- born out of the author's mind- about how the events of the Battle of Thermopylae could have unfolded. If I truly wanted everything to be historically accurate, I could have watched a documentary instead.

I was especially intrigued by "the immortals" though, the Persian host of masked dagger-wielding soldiers. Historically, did they exist? They look very Japanese ninja assasin/bandit-esque.

And. I wonder what kind of physical training those actors went through? The Spartans look freaking buff. Sign me up for that fitness programme too please.

2007-01-05T14:24:00.000+08:00

I took this What Tarot Card Are You?

quiz, sourced from my dear pigeon's blog:

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

--

I did this at least three times, but I got the same results. So..what the heck. I am not who you perceive me to be ;)

Happy belated new year to all!

2006-11-21T11:03:00.000+08:00

I did this Colourgenics test (sourced from Eunice's blog), and these were the results:

You are seeking protection against anything which might seem to be exhausting you or tiring you out. It would appear that you are seeking a life of security and physical ease, free from any problem or disturbance.

You are very orderly, methodical and self sufficient. You demand and need the respect, recognition and understanding of all those who enter into your sphere on influence.

Everything seems to have gone wrong and the situation at this time is such that you are not quite sure which way to turn. So it would appear that you are 'holding back', re-consolidating your position and relinquishing all fun and games for the time being.

Recent disappointment has led you to become truly introverted. You are becoming suspicious of everybody and consequently you now feel that you are unable to trust anybody. Unfortunately it would appear that you are curbing your natural enthusiasm and imaginative nature - perhaps this is because you are fearful that you may become over enthused and find that you could possibly be carried away by wishful thinking. You are keeping your distance to see whether attitudes towards you are sincere - but this watchfulness could easily develop into suspicion and distrust.

In the past your trusting attitude has often been misunderstood and so you have needed to protect yourself against your tendency to be abused and taken advantage of. As a consequence you possibly adopt an aloof and critical attitude and you are only willing to let your guard down once sincerity and trustworthiness can be assured.

The results are uncannily true.

So, what am I up to these days, you may ask. Well at the moment I'm being forced to clear my leave (god..I can't believe I've reached this stage!), and in about 3 weeks or less, I would have completed two years of National Service.

I'm beginning to understand what Yt told me the day he ORDed, that there was no real euphoria involved - just an overwhelming sense of burdenlessness and lack of purpose. As hypocritical as it sounds, it is indeed human nature to naturally stick to comfort zones. And mind you, two years can turn the worst of environments to comfort zones as well.

Now that I've reached the end of the road..of national service, I can clearly say I'm not the person I was two years ago. I'm thankful to have met a really diverse bunch of friends in NS, who have opened up my mind and exposed me to very different perspectives on issues. Given a second chance, I'd want things to go exactly the same way- the lessons you learn at NS are valuable, life lessons. Regrettably though, I think I've become a less lively person (or not a very enjoyable person to be around with) over the years. Just look at my blog archives.. I used to be so emo in the past. Well, everyone matures I guess.

I'm just looking ahead with great optimism- I have stuff to do.. I have to get fit, get my driving license and make some money before University starts. Not to mention reacquaint myself with academia.

So for the moment, lets hope these next few weeks go smoothly, and I ORD in one piece!

2006-10-16T15:27:00.000+08:00

One of my current obsessions. I used to be a Keane hater (cause I absolutely hate that song Everybody's Changing- even now- and I have no clue why). When I heard the new sound of their new album (via Is It Any Wonder?), I decided to take a risk and buy the album. No regrets at all- good lyrics, great piano/synthesizer riffs. No guitars though (their trademark). I recommend this album only if you listen to other similar bands (cf. Coldplay, Travis, Franz Ferdinand etc).

Moving on to another one of my obsessions-

Nice cover art eh? That's the album cover of Ayumi's "BLUE BIRD" single. Wonder when she'll be releasing another album. ayumi.primenova.com reports that it'll be pretty long before she releases one. Oh well.

2006-09-14T17:15:00.000+08:00

ORD Speech

Not suprisingly, I've been thinking about that these past few days. Considering there's only about ~11 weeks or so left.

This is what it's gonna sound like:

"First, I wanna thank all the crew commanders (especially Uncle Tan) for guiding me along the way and correcting my mistakes, and boosting my confidence during patrols. And also, not forgetting the senior sergeants and men who also gave me alot of useful tips along the way. And to everyone else, thanks for making my one and a half years in this base memorable and enjoyable.

That said, there's one more thing I'd like to say- I feel that some of us in Team Delta are too judgemental. I think everyone deserves at least a few chances, and we should be helping each other out. Motivation and encouragement is better than pressure. So I hope that the team will be more forgiving, and try not to pressure each other too much, maybe this will help to bring the team closer together.

That's all I have to say. Keep in touch."

Of course, this is assuming that I will be ORDing in Delta and not in Bravo. If I'm really gonna be stuck in Bravo, I guess I'll have a quiet out-of-the-limelight ORD. Or if I have to say something, I'd probably say something like: "Thanks for letting me experience the culture in this team, which is a side of Team Delta that never existed. Or rather I've never seen."

That said, what remains to be seen is whether I'll have the guts to say the bolded paragraph above. I guess I'll have to say it somehow, I mean, its gonna be the last fucking thing I'll ever be able to say during a Team briefing right?

2006-08-05T00:26:00.000+08:00

People, they look at you, and they're judging you. Every second of eye contact and yet another judgement is made.

But tell me, what gives you, a mere human, the fucking right to judge another human?

Well, if you are particularly flawless, then by all means, go ahead and make my day.

Two groups of people I hate:

1) Fucking bimbos who spend all day shopping and dolling themselves up and wasting away their lives doing nothing

2) Smart alecks who think they're just so smart and intellectual and oozing with knowledge that those who aren't in their league do not deserve to exist

I'm this close to losing it. Give me a club, and I'd be more than willing to bloody bludgeon them to death.

Sheesh.

2006-07-17T00:30:00.000+08:00

About 4.5 months to ORD. Time is whizzing by so fast and yet passing so slow that its killing me. There's so many things I wanna do when I'm freed of this burden. Most importantly, I wanna gym, and get fit, ASAP. And then spend time with the guys, they've planned a cruise (how interesting). Have to settle my driving as well, and hoepfully meet up with the s23 people. And I just realised I have to take pop piano lessons before I take up keyboards/ synth- because I can't read scores. How shameful.

2006-07-07T14:52:00.000+08:00

Revamped! Basically I removed the Coldplay skin and replaced it with a Franz Ferdinand skin. (Franz Ferdinand, by the way, happens to be another band that I adore.) Well mainly I just wanted a fresh look. Hope any of you who stumble by like it.

Oh, and I removed the tagboard. I may add a comments bar at the end of posts in the future.

We'll see.

2006-05-28T22:08:00.000+08:00

I.

Am.

So.

Fucking.

SAD.

Today Hanif and I trooped down to the Concierge at Raffles City to book tickets for the Coldplay concert. Alas, all seats were SOLD OUT. Tickets were only available for the free standing area (which in our opinion is too havoc) and so we were forced to leave empty handed.

I am so fucking disappointed. To think that I was so looking forward to the concert!

That aside though, I was glad I got to meet up with Hanif and Gary today. We watched X3, and had a 3 hour dinner at Seoul Garden, and slacked at the Esplanade. Its hard to believe that I've known these two guys for eight years now. They're the kind of people I could easily talk to about my problems. And there are few people I talk to about my problems in the first place. I don't trust people so easily now, after all that I've been through in the past year and a half. What I've learnt is that true friendship is one that survives the test of time. I value these friends of mine who've stuck by me for nearly half of my life.

To be frank, I'm not the kind of person who takes pride in having extensive contacts and a wide and active social circle. Fact is, I have a small social circle and an even smaller number of contacts. I can count with my two hands the number of close friends I have, but I know these are the poeple I can rely on. These are the people who are still going to be my friends ten years down the road.

And I'm just thankful I have these people to turn to. Fuck friendster, and posers, and all that acquaintance shit.

2006-05-17T23:12:00.000+08:00

I just deleted my friendster account about a few minutes ago. I simply couldn't bear to be a part of that fake, vile thing any longer. Good riddance. If you must contact me, call my mobile- I answer all calls nowadays- or you can drop me a message on MSN (harder to find me there, I spend alot of my O/L time gaming and not on MSN).

Am still recovering from a darn fever. I realised I haven't exercised in months. I've put on more than the 10Kg I lost during my BMT days. I'm fat, tired and depressed.

Working in Coast Guard has definitely made me wiser and more street-smart. At least, I can brace myself for the oddities and absurdities of the working world. Not to mention all the drama and politics and backstabbing. Hey, I've been fucking stabbed in the back here, right?

I don't know what to look forward to anymore. Is school really the light at the end of the tunnel? Will I be able to make it in University? Do I even want to work? Everyone around me has sorted out their plans and ambitions for their lives to some extent. I, on the other hand, am going nowhere. I don't want to be a slave to money. And I don't want to work for some boss, I detest order and government. And I most certainly don't want to be holed up in some cubicle in an office. I don't want to raise children. Who gives a shit about "carrying on the family name"? What is a family name worth anyway? All humans are gonna perish someday anyway. And besides the world isn't becoming any better a place to live in. Look at what is happening around us. Countries ehancing their nuclear capabilities; eternal strife in the Middle East, arms races, tsunamis, and most recently Mount Merapi erupting again. We're going up in flames. Might as well spare future embryos a chance and not force them into this horrible world.

What then, am I looking forward to? Ah, as much the cynic and hypocrite I am, I am still a hopeless romantic at heart. I'm looking forward to spending time with someone I can grow old with. Someone I can talk to for ages and not get bored. Someone to snuggle up in bed with.

The One. Is yet to be found. Am not searching extensively though. The one will come when the one comes.

What kind of qualities must The One possess, you may ask.

Well for one thing, she must not be into soccer. I abhor soccer. Am fed up of all those world cup advertisements eating into my tv programmes' airtime. Grr.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm planning to get myself a goatee after I ORD. Lol.

Alright. Am making no sense at all right now. G'night.

2006-04-26T12:02:00.000+08:00

Chanced upon this quiz from some random blog when I was blogsurfing yesterday. I thought it was pretty nifty:

Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING!!!

How does the world see me?
I'm Still in Love with You- Sean Paul feat. Sasha
Does that mean that I appear lovesick?

Will I have a happy life?
Come Undone- Duran Duran
..........

What do my friends really think of me?
Super Duper Love- Joss Stone
Has this got anything to do with people calling me a teddy bear all the time?

Do people secretly lust after me?
Can't Nobody- Kelly Rowland
LOL. Can't nobody do it like me?

How can I make myself happy?
Gimme Gimme Gimme- Abba
Err. Thats kinda kinky.

What should I do with my life?
You Learn- Alanis Morissette
You live, you learn, you lose, you learn, you cry, you learn, you choose, you learn.. pretty good advice. I should devote my life to philosophy.

Will I ever have children?
Make It Good- A1
Does that mean a yes? Lol?

What is some good advice for me?
Crazy For You- Madonna
Ya I know.. I should make the first move. Stop it already.

How will I be remembered?
Breathe Easy Acoustic Jam- Sugababes
Noone ever told me life could be this hard, breathin' easy.... Remembered for my suffering? Sigh.

What is my signature dancing song?
Hunter- Dido
I love this song, but still, I'm not much into dancing so this question is kinda irrelevant.

What do I think my current theme song is?
Hit 'em Up Style- Blu Cantrell
I sure as hell wanna bash up some people. Accurate.

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Naughty Girl- Holly Valance
What? I'm not a girl. Illogical result.

What song will play at my funeral?
Forca- Nelly Furtado
Com uma forca. Yea, an uplifting song :) I'd definitely want it to be played.

What type of men/women do I like?
Electrical Storm- U2
Electric people. Lol.

What is my day going to be like?
Baby One More Time- Britney Spears
LOL, a song from secondary school days. Hit me baby one more time muahahahah

What an interesting quiz.

Nothing further. Out.

2006-02-09T19:31:00.000+08:00

[EDIT]

This post does not exist anymore.

I've decided to reopen the blog. There won't be regular posts, but there will be posts for sure. I am not concerned about readership of my blog anymore, as I will no longer write with an audience in mind =)

But of course, feel free to read my posts. By all means.

2006-01-29T16:45:00.000+08:00

I think I'm crazy. I stayed up till 4am last night just to catch a re-run of Conspiracy Theory on HBO, making it the 3rd time I watched that movie. I'm a fan of great plots, and more importantly, on-screen chemistry. I'm not so much into action or slapstick humour or anything of that sort. A stellar cast just does it for me. Take for example, Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke in Gattaca. Awesome. Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts made a great pair in Conspiracy Theory.. I mean their acting was great man. The movie has just the right mix of action, suspense and romance. Just makes your heart melt. Well, what can I say? It is never unqualified to say that any movie that has Julia Roberts in it is of A-Grade quality.

Anyhow, happy Chinese New Year to all my Chinese friends!

2006-01-09T20:28:00.000+08:00

Today I came to an epiphany that my room was simply too filthy to live in anymore, and being the impulsive person I am (as much as I deny it), I decided to do some springcleaning. Basically I cooped myself in the room for the whole day today. Along the way I unearthed several interesting photos of my past that brought memories flooding back, and so I thought I'd do a little collage for everyone's viewing pleasure. Viewer discretion is advised of course.

Enjoy:

A Very Birdy Secret

It is indeed a well-guarded secret that this was how Shiyun looked like when she was young. Unfortunately, she ran away from her family in the zoo when she was a kid, and started living with humans. What a naughty bird! So now you know why Shiyun has pigeon-ish features.

Dementia

A photo of two demented girls named Shiyun and Huizhen, who suddenly gave me a teddy bear named Dementia one day, in an attempt to infect me as well. The demented bear truly has a crazed mind of its own, cause it seems to have disappeared from my mirror where I left it and has gone into hiding somewhere!

College Scandal

What looks like a harmless photo of an s23 mahjong gathering reveals juicy details on close scrutiny! Look right in the middle and you can see.. *gasp* Huiling secretly making a move on Yew Tze! They look so happy together. What a scandal!

An Even Bigger College Scandal

It was a quiet evening, and in some secluded lecture theatre in NJ, a couple named Huiling and Shiwen were making out to their hearts' content. Little did they know that the paparazzi were behind the curtains, snapping away using their flashless digital cameras!

Jungle Freeze

An ad for Fish&Co's Jungle Freeze gone wrong. By the time they took this photo, the model (Jiayan) was looking very blur indeed, and the guy (me) had almost finished his freeze.

College Shapeshifters

The print on top was taken in 2003, the one on the bottom taken around two years later. As Han commented, "Over the two years of college, we've all grown slightly better-looking". No doubt. Han looks pretty chio in the second print, and so does Teo with her longer hair, and I'm glad I got rid of my horrible hairstyle of the past.

A Case Of The Prince Turning Into An Ugly Frog

That's me when I was six on top, and me when I was eighteen on the bottom. How did such a charming, cute and innocent little boy turn into the fat and ugly lump of crap on the right? Beats me.

-THE END-

LOL. The people in these photos are so gonna kill me.

2006-01-03T14:34:00.000+08:00

Wow.

The mostly horrid year of 2005 is over.

I know I shouldn't dwell on dark thoughts and remain sad/ depressed forever.

And I won't.

Therefore, I shall not sound like a miser anymore.

In fact, several good things have happened over the past few days.

1. The three rings have been forged. What a way to start the new year.

2. The cold war between Gilbert and I ended, because he finally realised that he was in the wrong and apologized to me. Reaffirmation of friendship is always good.

3. 2006 is the year I ORD. OMG! Can you imagine? A CIVILIAN CHRISTMAS for me this year!
See? Even things in the workplace are looking up. I should feel blessed.

That said, I'm not gonna make any resolutions for the new year.

Because I never fulfil any of the resolutions I make anyways. So yea.

Well.. I just wanna wish everyone a happy 2006 (as cliche as it sounds). Remember to start the new year on the right footing! :)

2005-12-26T13:44:00.000+08:00

Blasting Coldplay on my comp now and strangely, the music is making me feel rather melancholic. I know its supposed to be the festive season and all, but I'm not exactly in the highest of spirits right now. In fact I feel quite sad. I'm tired of fronting that I'm happy in front of others just for the sake of it. The fact is, I haven't really been happy since 2005 began. This has been a bad year for me, but I feel the mood is gonna carry over to next year as well. I shall not lie to myself that next year is gonna be a good year, cause it isn't going to be for sure. Shall just hope for the best.

To everyone else, merry christmas and I hope you have a very happy new year, and don't let anything dampen your spirits. Stay happy always :)

2005-12-22T14:34:00.000+08:00

Just watched Mona Lisa Smile. Again. I adore Julia Roberts. Her eyes, her lips, her smile, her acting..everything. She's just way cool. My favourite actress..haha.

2005-12-19T13:45:00.000+08:00

Was on the bus home earlier when I saw this fragile old couple (probably in their late sixties ir early seventies). Both husband and wife were carrying one big plastic bag each filled with groceries, and when it was time for them to get off the bus, the wife helped the old man to carry his plastic bag, and the man helped her to get off the bus.

I couldn't help but smile to myself as I looked at them. Indeed, a sudden wave of sentimentalism gushed over me. I wondered to myself, how satisfying and fulfilling it may be to have one person stand by you through the years- sorta like your soulmate- the one constant in your life, someone you can grow old with.

Now wouldn't that be perfect?

Of course it would be. But the fact remains that I stepped out of the bus and back into the fucked up reality of my life. Lol.

2005-12-12T00:20:00.000+08:00

Went for a 5click jog with Jerry yesterday. After which we went to the gym for an hour. That had to be the best workout of my life..shiok. It feels good when your muscles are painfully tensed up after a good workout. I felt totally wasted. I suspect I will be going to the gym again in 2 days or so.. can't wait. To punish my muscles.

2005-12-06T01:30:00.000+08:00

Finally got down to changing the blogskin. Refreshing change, ain't it? Lol.

2005-11-28T15:07:00.000+08:00

God sometimes you just don't come through
God sometimes you just don't come through
Do you need a woman to look after you
God sometimes you just don't come through

You make pretty daisies pretty daisies love
I gotta find what you're doing about things here
a few witches burning gets a little toasty here
I gotta find why you always go when the wind blows
tell me you're crazy maybe then I'll understand
you got your 9 iron in the back seat just in case
heard you've gone south well babe you love your new 4 wheel
I gotta find why you always go when the wind blows

[give not thy strength unto women
nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings]

Will you even tell her if you decide to make the sky fall
will you even tell her if you decide to make the sky

God sometimes you just don't come through
God sometimes you just don't come through
Do you need a woman to look after you
God sometimes you just don't come through

-God, Tori Amos

2005-11-26T22:27:00.000+08:00

Wow..the past few days have been uber fun, lol. I also watched Emily Rose (like finally) with Hanif the other day. Unfortunately I was laughing most of the time, because Hanif was totally into the movie and was damn scared and was squriming away in his seat..lol..funny sia.

Friday and today were the most eventful. Went out with YiA, Keith, Gerard and Sean. LOL.. its been damn long since i caught up with these people. About time actually. They've been calling me out for ages and I finally responded. We've lots of plans for the month ahead.. crashing at YiA's place, going for buffets.. more DotA sessions. Can't wait!!!

Work tmr. Grr. Screws up all my plans! zzzzzz

2005-11-21T18:44:00.000+08:00

Ok. I'm fine now.

Sian. In-service tmr. Off day burnt.

Anyway I don't understand why these people have to be so sneaky about base intrusion exercises. Its like, yeah, you wanna test the alertness of sentries, but sending a fibreglass sampan at 3am in the morning? Its bad enough that a fibreglass sampan has only one all-round light. To make it worse, its hardly visible at night and the all-round light blends in perfectly with the background lights.

So, feeling extra on, I was sitting at the jettyhead at 3am, and I had to really squint to see the sampan that was moving erratically across the Gul Basin waters, and drifting suspiciously.

And then they sneaked off after we shined our searchlights at them. I highly doubt its a fishing sampan, I mean who fishes at 3am on a Monday morning, at Gul Basin, of all places?

Realistically speaking, Police Coast Guard bases are pretty safe, being located at the most ulu parts of the island. I highly doubt a terrorist would know the location of our base when 90% of the residents living in the vicinity of the base don't know its existence. lol.

Irritating sia these intrusion exercises.

2005-11-03T22:22:00.000+08:00

Ysterday I went snooping around Borders by myself, while waiting for that ass Junlong who was over an hour late for our DotA session. Inevitably, I stumbled into a book I had to have- this time one by Bertrand Russell- Why I Am Not a Christian: a book of essays on religion. I enjoy reading Russell's books because he presents really cogent arguments about any issue he's writing on, and they can really broaden your perspective on those issues. Of course, being an atheist, his niche area of writing has always covered religion, more specifically, his firm stand that religions can do alot of harm.

Anyway, as I was reading his essays, I came across this really stellar counter-argument on the existence of God. The claim is that there would be no right or wrong if God did not exist. Russell argues that the issue at hand is not whether or not there is a difference between right and wrong, but more importantly, the point to note is that a theist does firmly believe that there is a difference. And this, therefore, raises a more important question- if there is indeed a difference between right and wrong, is this difference due to God's will? If it is due to God's will, then for God himself there must have been no difference between right and wrong (since he had to will the difference into existence). And if so, then it would be irrelevant to say that God is good.

Following this argument, if one is to say that God is good, like what theologians say, you would also have to agree that the meaning of right and wrong is independent of God's will, and that Right and Wrong existed before God (in order for God's actions to be good).

This indirectly implies that there must have been some superior deity who made the concept of right and wrong into being, and then instructed God on the actions that he must do, in order to be inherently good.

Ultimately, what we are now saying is that right and wrong could have existed without the presence of God-

which totally contradicts the initial argument that there can be no right or wrong if God did not exist-

and hence, logically, this casts doubt on the existence of God.

Interesting argument, no? I have been analysing this argument for quite some time, but I am unable to find any flaw in it.

P.S. do note that I am presenting an author's point of view not necessarily mine, and this is just food for thought.

2005-10-31T15:50:00.000+08:00

(Me)jay to the z- 15.11.05 Confessions on a Dancefloor says:
yar whats the origin of their name ar?

(Keith)I/O, I/O, it's to the bus we go - electrical pulses singing says:
back probably refers to backside

I/O, I/O, it's to the bus we go - electrical pulses singing says:
and bronze is 3rd place

I/O, I/O, it's to the bus we go - electrical pulses singing says:
so they like third class faggots hence explaining their music

jay to the z- 15.11.05 Confessions on a Dancefloor says:
how degrading.

jay to the z- 15.11.05 Confessions on a Dancefloor says:
im amazed the singer hasnt committed suicide yet

jay to the z- 15.11.05 Confessions on a Dancefloor says:
every one of their singles is about how he broke up with some gf

jay to the z- 15.11.05 Confessions on a Dancefloor says:
then keeps thinking of her

I/O, I/O, it's to the bus we go - electrical pulses singing says:
yar he shld jump 40 times from the 1st story

I/O, I/O, it's to the bus we go - electrical pulses singing says:
so he will suffer

---

LOL. No offence to Nickelback fans.

2005-10-31T13:19:00.000+08:00

The sun is sleeping quietly
Once upon a century
Wistful oceans calm and red
Ardent caresses laid to rest

For my dreams I hold my life
For wishes I behold my night
The truth at the end of time
Losing faith makes a crime

I wish for this night-time
to last for a lifetime
The darkness around me
Shores of a solar sea
Oh how I wish to go down with the sun
Sleeping
Weeping
With you

Sorrow has a human heart
From my god it will depart
I'd sail before a thousand moons
Never finding where to go

Two hundred twenty-two days of light
Will be desired by a night
A moment for the poet's play
Until there's nothing left to say

I wish for this night-time
to last for a lifetime
The darkness around me
Shores of a solar sea
Oh how I wish to go down with the sun
Sleeping
Weeping
With you

-Sleeping Sun, Nightwish

This song...is just amazing. Can't describe it in words, you have to hear it to understand.

2005-10-27T14:59:00.000+08:00

I think it is absolutely unnacceptable, this proselytizing of people that has been going on for quite some time. I am sick of people who look down on each others' faiths, and at the same time spend alot of effort preaching to the faithless.

In a free society, one should be allowed to practise a faith of his own free will, and not be co-erced into it. If you wish not to take up the faith of your parents, does that give them a right to disown you? Is it wrong for two people of different religions to get married, and still practise their separate faiths, and not let it get in the way of the relationship?

Traditions are traditions, but they should not suppress one's freedom of thought or opinion.

2005-10-24T19:20:00.000+08:00

Finally paid the dreaded visit to the eye doctor a few days ago. A new doctor actually (one of my dad's friends). Anyway, I discovered I have very high astigmatism (which means my eyeball is rather elongated instead of round), long-sightedness (NOT myopia, I'm suffering from an old man's disease) and very sensitive eyes (apparently the insides of my eyelids are "swollen" and there are lots of blood vessels on my eye).

Well the prognosis was not all bad actually. The good news was my lens power dropped 100 degrees, to 100 degrees for each eye, explaining why my vision is blurry now (using my current specs).

So today I went hunting for a new pair of spectacles, with my mum and my aunt. I ended up buying a really cool alain mikli glasses, with transition lenses (the kind which fades to dark outdoors in the sun, becomes clear indoors).

Basically it costs $1100 (yes, a thousand and a hundred dollars), and I simply couldn't bear to get myself any other pair cause this one is really ideal for me.

So don't call me a spendthrift, its an investment!! Hey, I used my old glasses for 3 years ok!!

2005-10-19T14:44:00.000+08:00

Heading off to work in a few hours. Nothing better to do now, so instead of moping about my pathetic misadventures in life, shall post a few quiz results:

Your Birthdate: April 8

Born on the 8th day of the month, you have a special gift for business, as you can conceive and plan on a grand scale.
You have good executive skills and you're a good judge of values.
You should try to own your own business, because you have such a strong desire to be in control.

You are generally reliable when it comes to handling money; you can be trusted in this regard.
Idealistic by nature, you are never too busy to spend some time on worthwhile causes, especially if managerial support are needed.
There is much potential for material success associated with this number.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Well, I know I'm idealistic. Ok fine..I'm a perfectionist. True, I want to be in control of things- specifically my life- but not anything else. I don't see myself as a leader. Is this quiz supposed to be a morale-booster or what? Lol.

You Are Likely a First Born

At your darkest moments, you feel guilty.
At work and school, you do best when you're researching.
When you love someone, you tend to agree with them often.

In friendship, you are considerate and compromising.
Your ideal careers are: business, research, counseling, promotion, and speaking.
You will leave your mark on the world with discoveries, new information, and teaching people to dream.

The Birth Order Predictor

Woo..pretty interesting result eh? Considering I am an only child, and I did this for fun.. it still yielded the first-born result. I want to believe this result is true, cause if it is, then it means I'm heading in the right direction...

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You're a great thinker and a true philosopher.
You'd make a talented professor or writer.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

Right.

2005-10-18T23:46:00.000+08:00

Hello.

How's everyone feeling nowadays?

I haven't posted much recently. In fact I don't intend to.

It's just that bloggers and blog-readers nowadays have become so fucked up, so overly petty.

It's like, anything you say is over-scrutinized, taken out of context, and then gossipped about.

And then you get slammed for "defamation", "racism", "stirring up political sentiments" and what have you.

Hence, to save myself the trouble of having to put up with some silly bitch (or bastard) reading some of the crap I write, and then getting offended by it, I shall refrain from posting altogether.

That aside, where was I?

Ah, enquiring about the health of my fellow readers.

As for myself, the pits of hell just seem bottomless, and I seem to be diving straight into them. Honestly, my self-esteem and morale couldn't drop any further.

I've decided to give myself one block's worth of leave- off from Thursday to Tuesday next week.

I need the time to recharge. I'm just too drained- emotionally. And mentally.

2005-10-13T14:15:00.000+08:00

Unearthed my Josephian annuals just now when i was rearranging stuff in my cupboard. Felt really nostalgic looking through the photos and articles.

I still remember the Sec 1 orientation, Hanif and Joseph were the first two people I talked to, and we became good friends, and we always used to hang out at Joe's place. Haha. Those were the days.

Then in Sec 2, I remember I sat with Keith in class. Those were the funniest times ever, and I got to know the SJAB gang better- Gy, Clar, Sam, Andy, Keith etc haha. And who couldn't forget the projects in sec 2? I remember I went for this innovation programme thingy, joining forces with Hanif and Derwin, and we ganged up against Bala. Hahaha those were the days man. Oh, and Hanif, me and Arjun forged a fellowship in sec 2 (which was kinda broken earlier this year after Arjun flew off to England, leaving us behind).

The most memorable times of my lower sec days were in the old canteen and the old library (both of which have been rebuilt)- the times when we used to sit around and talk, the days when we really had too much time on our hands.

Sec 3 and 4 were just as memorable. Our class was pretty united, and we had a flair for class productions for various special occasions, most notably our 2002 Teachers' Day video. Man.. we had a whale of a time making that video. And I still remember the days when Xuehui, Tian Loong, Craig and I would stay back after school, and sit around and talk for hours in class. And the geog lessons with Martina Chan, who spent more time gossipping than teaching HAHA. Oh, and of course, sitting next to Taffy in Sec 4. We never payed attention to lessons, I was always talking crap with Shawn, Alwyn and Taffy. Most importantly, the SJAB gang in sec 4- the year we became NCOs, the year we used to sit around in the canteen and have lunch at 9am (LOL), and all the annual parades and handing over power to the sec 3s....

Zzzzzzz. I really miss those four years of my life man. Undoubtedly the best.

The Class of 2002 reunion dinner will be in 2012. Pretty excited about it actually. Wonder what would have become of my friends and buddies by then? And myself? Really can't picture myself 6 years from now. Lol.

2005-10-08T15:04:00.000+08:00

I'm not ashamed
of the things that I dream
I find myself flirting
with the verge of obscene
Into the unknown,
I will be bold
I'm going to places
I can be out of control

(Bridge1:)
And I don't want to explain tonight
All the things I've tried to hide
I shut myself out from the world so I
Can draw the blinds and I'll teach myself to fly

(Bridge2:)
I love myself
It's not a sin
I can't control what's happenin'

(Chorus:)
'Cause I just discovered
Imagination's taking over
Another day without a lover
The more I come to understand
The touch of my hand

From the small of my back
and the arch of my feet
Lately I've been noticin' the beautiful me
I'm all in my skin
and I'm not gonna wait
I’m into myself
in the most precious way

(repeat chorus & bridge)

There's a world undefined
In my body and mind
I won't be left behind
I'm already here

(repeat chorus & bridge)

-Touch of My Hand, Britney Spears

Self-stimulation. Britney. It all makes sense. *lol*

2005-10-07T14:38:00.000+08:00

Just got my replacement SIM card. Shall be contacting people soon to rebuild my phone book. Or if you have SMSes to spare, you can drop me one, that'd be greatly appreciated. =)

2005-10-01T21:06:00.000+08:00

(WARNING: SPOILER ALERT!)

Be With Me turned out to be an interesting movie, well worth my anticipation.

For one thing, it received a standing ovation at Cannes- so I read with enthusiasm in the Straits Times.

Another point- it was distributed by Warner Bros. How many local films have you seen being distributed by Warner Bros? NONE. Of course, Be With Me was a pioneer. Impressive, I thought.

It definitely didn't fail to live up to expectations.

I thought it was really an eye-opener, the way Ms Theresa Chan described how it felt to be blind and deaf- "like a dark and silent prison"; "as though a wall had been built between me and the living, that could not be broken no matter how much I tried".

I guess its true when she says nobody can really know what it feels like to be blind and deaf. Who can truly understand her suffering? Yet its amazing how she managed to learn English, learnt how to speak, was even a teacher, and even wrote an autobiography. And I thought it was especially touching when she said how she discovered about the poverty-stricken families and children in Bombay, and she realised that "these children were struggling to survive, and here I was, even though i was disabled, I had everything", and then vowed to make a donation to help out these people. A truly extraordinary person.

As for the three tales that were woven into the storyline, they were extremely tragic. The scene at the hospital when the ah pek was visiting his terminally ill wife was really disturbing. The fact that he actually performed assisted euthanasia. The fact that when the wife took his hand, and placed it over her nose, in a gesture as if to smother her- the old man obliged calmly and therefore murdered her- was truly scary. The suicide scene is even more gripping. Its like, what are the odds of these two characters who are so vastly different in their lifestyle, crossing paths in such a situation? And I was wondering, when Jackie dropped the phone, and it landed in front of the fat guy, did the fat guy look up and realize that there was a girl about to commit suicide? And therefore he decided to sacrifice his life to save her? Or was it really by chance that she fell right on top of him, crushing him to death, and surviving the fall? Such a tragedy.. poor guy. To think that he finally wrote a letter to the woman he'd been admiring for weeks, and on the way to mailing the letter, meets with death.

And the ending, when Theresa comforts the ah pek.. what a sad sad ending. I was all bleary-eyed by the end of the movie man, all ready to bawl.

Utterly sad movie. Minimal dialogue, but a masterpiece in its own league.

2005-09-27T23:47:00.000+08:00

I'm standing on a bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home

(chorus:)
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
Searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
'Cause nothing's going right
And everythigns a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home

(repeat chorus)

Oh why is everything so confusing
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yea yea yea

(repeat chorus)

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you...

-I'm with You, Avril Lavigne

One of Avril's older songs that I've been playing recently. It reminds me of the days when I was lovesick- to the point that I lay in bed all day and moped. Funny how I've moved on so fast- for all they were worth- they were pretty strong feelings. Now I think back, shake my head in disbelief, and wonder: ''Was I in such a mess back then?"

2005-09-26T11:37:00.000+08:00

Today was another day of realization.

I realised.

That I've been unhappy and miserable and gloomy and depressed and sad FOR WAY TOO LONG!!!

Upset sia..what's happening to me??!!!? I've been moping around and absorbing all the shit coming my way just like that..

Its time for a CHANGE!! No more mike bravo*. I'm not going to be affected by all this shit anymore. KNN

*mike bravo= machiam betul=like real

2005-09-25T16:46:00.000+08:00

Keith bought Deadwood and I bought Carnivale; when he comes back to SG we'll swop the DVDs. A mad idea indeed.

I'm still waiting for Season 2 of Carnivale. Season 1 ended in such a cliffhanger man.. its like all the tension finally exploded, the climax was reached, and before you know it, you see the ending credits- the show is over.

Damn.

2005-09-23T20:40:00.000+08:00

I was thinking...maybe I wanna move out before i start Uni.

I seem to have two options: 1)Stay at the Prince George Hall at NUS, and 2)Rent an apartment.

The latter implies that cash is a prerequisite, which means that I may have to work extra hard during my long post-NS vacation to save up substantial moolah.

The former, on the other hand, seems more appealing. I hear they have single-occupant rooms. I'd much like to have a roommate, but I'd prefer someone I know, being the antisocial I am. However, I'm not really keen on hostel life, and you know, participating in all those lame hall activities and the sort.

Will have to think it through. I still have another year and a half. Lol.

I don't like home. I need more privacy in my life.

2005-09-19T09:44:00.000+08:00

Had a fight with mum yesterday. Over the management of my finances. I mean, all these years she's been controlling my finances down to the freaking penny. Now that I'm earning 500 bucks a month (not like its alot anyways but still), don't I deserve a little independence? Financially? Like for example, I should be able to pay for what I want to pay for? My transport costs? My meals? The few hundred I spent on Ayumi CDs and Carnivale DVDs?

"Since when have you paid for anything thats yours? No, you haven't done anything meaningful so far. You only think of yourself. The day you do something meaningful, maybe I'll let you manage your money."

That's what she said. When I confronted her. Basically I couldn't respond to what she said. It just made me wonder whether she had ever given a penny of thought or consideration for how others may feel before spilling the fucking words out of her mouth.

I was pissed. More hurt than pissed. I don't know how I'm going to survive with a mother like this.

2005-09-15T18:00:00.000+08:00

GOD!! Where is everyone?! Must I endure the agony of consuming caffeine alone?

"The only certainty in life is death. "

I got that off a movie btw, if you're having any strange thoughts.

2005-09-13T10:06:00.000+08:00

It was close to midnight when I was on my way home last night, and despite being sleepy, i got off the bus 3 stops earlier and ran all the way home on impulse.

Don't know why I did it. I guess i just wanted to let go of all the stress and pent-up feelings that had built up over the weeks. The feeling of the wind beating against your face when you run is simply priceless.

It feels even better when you're at sea. Sometimes, when I patrol, the steersman would prefer to navigate from the flybridge (i.e. out in the open air) than in the wheelhouse (inside the boat, where the traditional panels and steering and all is). Steering the boat from the flybridge is way cool. For one thing, you use this remote control that looks like a PS controller to steer the boat. The other thing is, you're exposed to the open air as the boat zips by at 40knots (more than 100km/h). The wind blows so strongly against you that you have to hold on for dear life lest get blown away. And the G-force is really shiok. Its like you can feel the skin on your face stretching under the pressure and speed. Its really the most exhilarating feeling I've felt in my life. Its one of the rare times when I feel completely happy.

Well, I guess I've found myself a new remedy to cure my lows, I reckon. Lol.

2005-09-11T14:29:00.000+08:00

Went for the SINDA Academic Excellence Awards at NYP yesterday. Its ironic though that my results weren't excellent. With only 3As, I was probably the lousiest award winner there as everyone else had at least 1 Special Paper or got 4 As. I recognized many of the winners in the A-Level category, as most of them won the award for Os too. There were very few people from NJ at the awards yesterday- 3 girls, donning the NJ blazer (which can be recognized from miles away), who were there for the O-Level category; 4 guys (me, Pradip, Reuben and Cum) and 3 girls (Mirriam and 2 others) for the A-level cat. Basically everyone else was a Rafflesian or Victorian. However, I had a great time in the end, as I managed to reconcile with Pradip (surprise?) after our standoff for nearly 2 years.

Muahahahaha.

So the more times you get this award, the more prestigious it becomes, since less and less people keep getting it consecutively. Like yesterday, there were only 50 second time recepients, and about 15 third time recepients. Hmmm. If I want to get it for the third time, it will have to be under the University category. Its pretty hard to win one for that category though. Basically you have to graduate from either NUS or NTU with second-upper or first class honours to qualify for the award.

Hence, my long-term goal: to get into the honours program, and gradute with at least second upper. Indeed a long term goal. University is still years away for me.

2005-09-06T14:30:00.000+08:00

I finally watched Girl, Interrupted earlier. I felt it was a really good movie, which brought out many issues, the most interesting of which, I find, the point about psychologists. Its true, 90% of all psychologists are dumbfucks. They treat their work as an outright chore, a job, instead of seeing their line of work as service, as a way of rendering help to others. Most of them- which utterly pisses me off- think that any bizarre human behaviour can immediately be linked to a "disease", which can therefore be cured by medicine. What if the patient does not "respond" to the treatment? Diagnosis: patient is slow on the road to recovery. Recommended course of action: to stay in a institution for mental health for a certain period of time. Honestly, I find this a load of ridiculous BULLshit. For crying out loud, these psychologists do not really know what they want in life. Most are just doing their jobs for the money, or have had disillusioned ambitions of wanting to be a psychologist and then realising that dream. How many passionately feel that it is their calling in life to help others find their way in their lives? How many actually put themselves in their patients' shoes, empathise with them, instead of rattling off a diagnosis of some disease and the appropriate medicine to cure it? Truly, there are few real psychologists out there- those who really give a damn, those who feel a sense of satisfaction in helping someone else and subsequently seeing their efforts pay off. The rest are all losers who just want to flaunt their degrees.

The other noteworthy point which was brought up in the movie, was mentioned by the lead character, Susanna (played by Winona Ryder): "You keep dreaming of death, but when you see death, when you see death in your face, then you realise how ridiculous it is to dream about death." Interesting, ain't it? Got me thinking as well.

On a sidenote, don't take things here too seriously/sensitively. If you're offended, I can't help you because I write for my own satisfaction.

Food for thought. Just my two cents' worth.

2005-09-02T11:43:00.000+08:00

I realise I've been kinda foolish and naive.

Moral of the story is, take everything with a pinch of salt. Believe me.

Like my friend Low says, "Don't get involved, don't take sides, stay neutral, do your work sui sui, go back home. After all, are you really part of this team? You're an NSman."

Yesterday, I patrolled with Mr. Jango (lol) again (effectively my favourite crew commander). Every time I learn something new about my life when he tells me stuff. I trust and respect him. He's not like the other cheebye mats in my team (you know, the ones who fucking equate girls with sex, and have the fuck-and-throw mentality). In fact, he's the role model for every stray around- married with two kids, doesn't smoke or drink, never had pre-marital sex.

Speaking of which, I don't understand the hoohah about pre-marital sex anyways.

As far as I'm concerned, I'd give myself exclusively to my soulmate. By soulmate, I mean someone I'm intimate enough with (not physically of course, I mean on the emotional and intellectual level) to spend the rest of my life with that person. Doesn't really matter whether its before or after marriage. As long as I know the direction I'm headed in.

Bottomline is, I'd never lose my virginity to someone who sells her body (i.e. a whore, they deserve to be called that), or to some pathetic cheap fling/scandal/affair.

The thing is, my philosophy yields me rude stares and comments, classifying me as an "abnormal" person, possibly "one who lacks human desires"?

To that, I quote my crew commander: "At the end of the day, its up to the individual, whether you want to be classified as 'normal' or 'abnormal'. Its either you don't know how to think for yourself, and you follow the crowd, or you make your own decisions, challenge the norm. Which will it be?"

I choose the latter, and can only hope you do too.

2005-08-28T15:33:00.000+08:00

The other day, I was washing the dishes when my finger accidentally got cut (cut, not cut off) by one of the cooking knives. Blood immediately oozed out from the wound and I had a morbid thought. I wondered what it would be like if I plunged the knife through my body. Like, would there really be anything to lose? Anyway, I'm a wussy when it comes to pain (like what Naveen said of himself); so after a few minutes of stoning, I quickly put away the knife and cleaned up the mess in the sink.

Everyday I question the purpose of my existence, and everyday I fail to find an answer. *fumbles towards salvation*

2005-08-24T14:48:00.000+08:00

After reading En's blog, I feel truly proud and happy for her that she has finally moved on. You've finally grown stronger; no longer weak and vulnerable. I remember clearly how I used to think in the past, after many conversations with you, that perhaps I should just give up and stop bothering to help you. After all, it was none of my business anyway. Thinking back, I'm glad I didn't give up on you, and I'm happy that some of my advice has helped you. Most of all, I'm glad that you know that you have to help yourself first if you want others to help you. Wish you all the best in the years to come =)

2005-08-22T19:55:00.000+08:00

[Me]Ethan Hawke, Uma Thurman: Gattaca (1997) says:
i took a nap earlier adn had the weirdest dream ever

[Keith]No kiddo at this moment this is me at my most masochistic says:
u married ayumi

--

No kiddo at this moment this is me at my most masochistic says:
i wish i were a pig

Ethan Hawke, Uma Thurman: Gattaca (1997) says:
so u can roll in the mud?

No kiddo at this moment this is me at my most masochistic says:
so i can cook myelf

No kiddo at this moment this is me at my most masochistic says:
kfc suxs

LOL. another one of those hilarious conversations I have with Keith.

2005-08-20T14:56:00.000+08:00

Hello, what's up?

Well, nothing much has been going on in my life recently, I've managed to keep my thoughts about *that* minimal, I'm moving on....and oh yeah, I had an embarassing fall yesterday at work [during patrol, if you must know; our boat and the other boat were practising alongside, the boats bumped into each other, I lost my balance, the rest is history]. And did I mention how much i respect Gigi [one of my crew commanders]?

Well that's beside the point, and I've decided not to rant about my shortcomings at work anymore, for fear that my colleagues may have somehow discovered the existence of my blog [being the rumour mongers they are].

So earlier, I finally watched Gattaca. It turned out to be the kind of sci-fi flick I adore [the ones with some action, suspense, plot twists, and a dash of romance]. Did i mention how much I like Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke? They make such a great couple on screen..boy was I jealous.

Was just thinking about what Gigi told me yesterday, about how we shouldn't sleep just before/during sunset. I've never done that before actually. Nowadays I either sleep in the wee hours of the morning [1-2am], or late afternoons [3pm]. My dreams are becoming more detailed and intense with each passing day. In fact they're pretty disturbing, and I feel kinda morbid waking up trying to remember the dream I just had, and then remembering it clearly. Bah.

Shall stop here. Reporting for work soon.

2005-08-16T11:56:00.000+08:00

I had an overly-fun weekend. Saturday was spent catching up with dear ol' s23. Sunday saw me slacking off at a friend's place all the way till like 1am, when i reluctantly trudged back home, only to sleep at 3am. And wake up for work 2 hours later. Lol.

Anyways, that's besides the point. Recently, I've been talking to the people in my team, trying to get to know them better, trying to figure out their characters. Which got me thinking- is it really worth it to go all out to please the superiors you have?

One is a fucker, who simply wants to have his ass insured at all times, and when his ass is bust, he screws everyone. The other is an excellent colleague (very focussed, knowledgeable, disciplined, helpful) but turns out to have a rather deviant lifestyle (massage parlours, spas, girl-ogling) and is obsessed with SEX. The third one seems alright to me on the exterior, but people tell me not to "trust him because he is colour biased". Strangely, I wasn't all that surprised, and I laughed sadly at that comment, remembering one of FI Panther's trademark one-liners: "I'm not a colour bar fucker!" LOL. [Edit: I totally omitted one other superior I have, but simply put he's a fucker, and a retard too. That makes him a fucktard.]

Which brings me back to the question, would you really work your ass off to gain the favour of these guys? Negative. The contingency will be to "work smart, not hard". Which means that you'll have to know who you trust and who you don't. Actually, now that its been one month since I began patrolling, I kinda know who to trust and who not to already. I've singled out like about 3 people whom I can wholly trust. So, I shall just perform as efficiently as I want to, and if I get condemned, so be it. I'm fucking off from there in 1.5years anyways.

Kamal tells me PNSmen are selected to be PNSmen by CMPB because they have higher EQ levels than army NSmen, and this is a necessity for police officers who must have good social skills. LOL, seems like an interesting explanation, but that would make me an anomaly, no? An antisocial, among these social animals?

In retrospect, I guess its the heightened EQ levels that make SPF so full of politics, with everyone covering their own asses, and stabbing each others' backs. Anyways, the regulars always tell the NSmen:

"Aiya, not happy sign on lah!"

HAHA. *arrogant snort* I'm determined to study hard enough to get the credentials I need for a job that pays me enough to skip reservice. LOL. Anyway, I swear if I ever do sign on to the police force, I'll make sure I come back to Coast Guard as an Inspector. And I'll look down on you, you lowly miser of a Sergeant, or Staff Sergeant, with a smirk that says: Be careful of what you wish for.

2005-08-14T14:57:00.000+08:00

Keith's cat died because it jumped off the balcony from the fifth floor. Upset sia. RIP.

2005-08-11T22:53:00.000+08:00

What a small world. When I was on my way back home I stumbled into one of my buddies back in Police Academy. Seems he's an SSO at PCC now, and in contact with many of my ex-squadmates. Anyways it seems some of them have already been promoted to SC/CPL? Wtf? Here I am slogging away with 15-hour shifts, getting nothing in return (not that I'm asking for anything), and they, who enjoy the comfort of air-con offices, 8-5 jobs, get promoted so fast? Sigh. What a morale booster.

Anyway, I guess I've learnt not to trust anyone wholeheartedly (especially colleagues). Its really vicious politics out there man. Everyone's out to chew each others' heads off, and if you don't look after your back, you'll definitely get raped. As for me, well, I'm getting used to my failed attempts at keeping a low profile. Its just been like what, a month since I began patrolling, and everyone in my team knows me, or rather knows something about me that I don't recall telling them. And strangely, people from other teams come up to me and say 'hi' like I was an old friend or something..sheesh. Therefore, I try to be friendly with most people. Nevertheless, I do not hide my contempt for those I bear grudges against (especially those with fuckfaces, I really have a thing against that).

Bah, shall not elaborate too much on this. Who knows who is reading my blog nowadays. Anyway, looking forward to the weekend. My first weekend off in ages. I'm so gonna chill out, and drown myself in coffee. Mmmm.

2005-08-10T00:51:00.000+08:00

People who listen to Ayumi just because she's a "chio Japanese babe" or a pop-sensation are just lame. She should be appreciated for her immense talent. Of course, not vocally, but lyrically. How many artistes/singers do you know that have written all the songs they've sung? Or have the courage to give a go at arrangement and production even though they have no experience? Honestly, to all those shallow people with this utterly narrow perception, I have this to say: get your hormones in check, and try reading her lyrics for a start, and hopefully you'll have the mental capacity to understand them.

P.S. Happy birthday Singapore! I feel strangely patriotic. Is it because I'm serving NS now?

P.P.S. Updates tomorrow, I'm too tired. From work and all.

2005-08-08T15:41:00.000+08:00

I'm bored, so I decided to do this quiz that tobias sent me:

What do you think about Ouija boards?
Very very intriguing. I've never tried contacting anyone though. Don't think they have any such mediums in Singapore anyway.
Favorite TV shows?
English dramas, like The Practice, Ally McBeal, Roswell, Taken, The X-Files etc. Japanese anime too, like Strange Dawn, Ranma1/2, Cooking Master Boy, Grander Musashi, Vandread etc etc.
What's on your mousepad?
Erm. My mouse ^_^;
Favorite magazine?
Err..used to like Time. Nowadays, i read Scientific American.
Favorite smells?
The smell of fried bacon and eggs in the morning. Mmmmmm.
Worst feeling in the world?
The horrible feeling you get in your gut when you know you can't have something you want so badly.
Best feeling in the world?
The satisfaction from helping people get through turbulent times.
What is the first thing you think when you wake up?
If its an off day: What time is it? Can I get back to sleep? If I'm on duty: *Groanz* Another day at work. I don't wanna get up! *Moan*
Do you get motion sickness?
Nope. After serving with Police Coast Guard, I can even balance myself on a moving bus without holding on to the handrails. Lol!
Rollercoasters--scary or exciting?
Both.
Pen or pencil?
Pencil.
How many rings before you answer the phone?
Oh, many. No wonder people get pissed at me whenever they try to contact me.
Future son's name?
Never thought of it actually.
Future daughter's name?
Natalie. I just love that name, its sexy.
Favorite foods?
Too many to list.
Do you get along with your parents?
Try to.
Chocolate or vanilla?
Eh..both.
Favorite ice cream?
Anything that's mango flavoured.
Do you like to drive?
I would like to, I don't have a license though.
Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
Err. When I was a kid yes. Nowadays I sleep with my pillow and bolster.
If you could meet one person, dead or alive, who would it be?
......This is a tough question. If the question was changed to "If i could meet one being", I'd say God. To see for myself if he exists.
Favorite alcoholic drink?
Mudshakes and cocktails. Hate beer and vodka.
What is your zodiac sign?
Aries. Not a typical Aries guy though.
Who is your favorite poet?
Robert Frost. Nothing gold can stay..
Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
If they're not too hard, and cooked the way I like it.
If a girl asked for the shirt off your back would you give it to her?
Are you kidding? I don't happen to have some Greek God-esque sculpted body, unfortunately. I have issues ^_^;
If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be?
Publicist or producer for Ayumi.
If you could dye your hair any color, what would it be?
Brown.
Have you ever been in love?
Guess so...don't really wanna dwell on this though. Next question.
What is on the walls in your room?
Random posters of aliens, predators, Natalie Imbruglia, Ayumi, Shiri Appleby.
Is the glass half empty or half full?
Half empty.
What is your favorite snapple?
The grape flavoured one. Oh and the ice peach tea too.
Favorite movie(s):
Man..this is tough cause I'm a movie freak. For the record, The Matrix, LOTR and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Are you a lefty, righty, or ambidextrous?
Ambidextrous.
Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?
Never. All on the wrong keys.
What's under your bed?
Piles and piles of stuff I'm lazy to sort out and clear.
Favorite sport to watch?
Golf? The Olympics? Lol.

alrightey, off to work. Ciaos

2005-08-06T01:02:00.000+08:00

well. its a long road ahead, but i'm glad i've stepped on it with the right foot. slowly, but surely, i will prove my worth. i must go for my Steersman course in 6 months time.

anyway, i just realised, when i received an sms, that annual parade at SJI will be held on monday (8 aug). sigh. if only i had realised earlier, i would have taken leave man. i'm working night shift on that day! dang. i do sorely miss my life as a Josephian man..although i was a total wreck now that i look back lol.

oh well, i guess i've kinda stepped out of the doldrums. took me that long. i was utterly smitten by depression. but i'm recovering. things are starting to look up.. at least a little =)

no more clamouring, fruitless pursuits shall be abandoned..

2005-08-02T10:51:00.000+08:00

Say also don't listen
Listen also don't understand
Not understand also don't ask
Ask also don't do
Do also do wrong
Wrong also don't admit
Admit also don't correct
Correct also not happy
Not happy also don't say

LOL. saw this on someone's sig when i was randomly browsing through forums. i'm sure everyone can relate to this, lol. true, ain't it?

2005-08-01T11:02:00.000+08:00

Singaporeans are really hypocrites man. here they are, criticizing popular Singaporean blogs for "lacking content", being "childish, immature" when they themselves are the ones who made the blogs popular in the first place. and as one guy wrote in the newspaper, just because popular Singaporean blogs are "childish", it should not be inferred that ALL of them are childish too. there happen to be many blogs out there which hold their ground on solid issues; unfortunately, they just happen to be rather obscure. sheesh. and whats the hoohah about Singaporean blogs being "self-absorbed"? go fuck yourself. why should you give a rat's ass if i intend to blog about events in my life? is it wrong to not have a ballooned-up ego? is it wrong to write without an audience in mind? seriously, if you abhor what someone blogs about, just fucking close the window and quit whining about it like a pansy la. sheesh.

in other news, i've been in a foul mood since about 1am, mainly because things screwed up at work, for the first time since i joined my team. i have a few comments, directed specifically at you. so you think that SCs are bloody useless? you think NSFs are fucked up right? we never do our jobs well right? WELL, why don't you bloody try doing nine fucking hours of main gate sentry? you think we were slacking right? i'll say this, we fucking weren't ok. we were awake, we weren't talking. you think i'm stupid enough not to notice him? must you find lame excuses to put the blame on me? "you la, never wear your specs." i'm not fucking blind okay? i can SEE when someone walks by me. especially when he's dressed in white, for crying out loud. "you la, listening to mp3s." does that necessarily mean i wasn't paying attention? wah lau eh. you're just trying to find a scapegoat la. have you thought about what you've been doing? fucking loafing around all night?

you know what. why don't you just ask your beloved regulars to take over. come have a hands-on at sentry. we'll see how good they are. oh, no worries, they're always right, they're perfect. not like us. we are NSFs, we are fucked up.

god..am i glad i'm patrolling on my next shift. i had enough of sentry duties man.

just feeling damn pissed at how people can be so unreasonable. i think i'll go sleep now.

2005-07-29T15:14:00.000+08:00

hello.

nothing much, today's my off day.feeling bored and lethargic. mainly because i'm working this weekend. and i just burned last weekend. and from the looks of it, i'm working next weekend too. sigh.

i'm trying my best at work.even if nobody notices it. i mean, i'm making an effort to familiarise myself with the patrol sectors, with the admin matters of Delta, with seamanship, with boat handling, with everything it takes to be a good coast guard officer. i can handle it, seriously, i have no problems. but then i can't handle the added pressure from station sergeant, who nags at me everyday to get my IPPT silver. geez..i mean, let me learn things related to my job first la..IPPT can come later. 2 consecutive shifts of patrol shags me out enough, do i have to fit in some intensive training regime too? NOW??? i need time to sort things out!!

in other news, was invited to the SINDA academic excellence awards ceremony, coming soon in september i think. i was quite flattered to be receiving this award again, didn't expect it with my grades. anyway, wasn't really very enthusiastic.. the previous time they were preaching about how one ex- award recepient is now an active volunteer with SINDA, and how they hope all of us will follow in that person's footsteps. its like, they're subtly hinting that since they're giving you the award, you're expected to "repay" the debt through service. not that i have anything against that, but seriously, i'm not one who spends my free time helping my ethnic counterparts or something..call me selfish or whatever. sheesh. anyway i don't even have time for such things. already i'm working enough weekends. i need my life too you know? i wanna spend time at the movies, chill out at a coffe joint with my friends, stayover at friends' places etc etc etc. besides, half the people i met at the previous award ceremony were snobs. at that time, i was like the only one from NJ. most of em were from VJ or RJ. they spoke like snobs, acted like snobs, and most of all looked at me with contempt just because i wasn't from an "elite" junior college. honestly, i do not need to include these people in my social circle. i'm pretty fine with mine right now.. my regular friends are all i need man. anytime.

oh, and i feel like Ally Mcbeal right now. its like, everything seems to be going right for you, and you still feel void, you know? sucks doesn't it. haha. somebody save me!

2005-07-27T13:25:00.000+08:00

Romaji

kokoro ga kogatsuite
yakeru nioi ga shita
sore wa yume no owari
subete no hajimari datta

akogareteta mono wa
utsukushiku omoete
te ga todokanai kara
kagayaki o mashita no darou

kimi no kudake chitta yume no hahen ga
boku no mune o sashite
wasurete wa ikenai itami toshite kizamareteku

hana no you ni hakanai no nara
kimi no moto de sakihokoru deshou
soshite egao mitodoketa ato
sotto hitori chitteyuku deshou

kimi ga zetsubou to iu
nanofuchi ni tatasare
soko de mita keshiki wa donna mono datta no darou

ikibasho o nakushite samayotteru
mukidashi no kokoro ga
fureru no o osorete
surudoi toge harimeguraseru

tori no you ni habatakeru nara
kimi no moto e tondeyuku deshou
soshite kizu o otta sono se ni
boku no hane o sashidasu deshou

hana no you ni hakanai no nara
kimi no moto de sakihokoru deshou
soshite egao mitodoketa ato
sotto hitori chitteyuku deshou

tori no you ni habatakeru nara
kimi no moto e tondeyuku deshou
soshite kizu o otta sono se ni
boku no hane o sashidasu deshou

kaze no you ni nagareru no nara
kimi no soba ni tadoritsuku deshou
tsuki no you ni kagayakeru nara
kimi o terashitsuzukeru deshou

kimi ga mou kore ijou
nido to kowai mono o
minakute sumu no nara
boku wa nan ni demo narou

English Translation

Your heart began to be scorched,
and there was a smell of it
It was the end of your dream,
and the start of everything

What you adored looked beautiful to you
It became even brighter because you couldn't reach it

The broken pieces of your dream
Pierce my heart
Leaving the pain
That I should never forget

If my life is transient like a flower
I'll be in full bloom by your side
And after watching your smile
I'll fall alone, quietly

How was the scenery you saw
When you were pushed into an abyss of despair

Your naked heart is wandering
Having nowhere to go
And is setting sharp thorns around
For fear of being touched

If I could flutter like a bird
I would fly to you
And offer my wing
To your wounded back

If my life is transient like a flower
I'll be in full bloom by your side
And after watching your smile
I'll fall alone, quietly

If I could flutter like a bird
I would fly to you
And offer my wing
To your wounded back

If I could flow like the wind
I would reach you
If I could shine like a moon
I would keep shining on you

I'll be anything
If it can stop you from being seized with fear

-Moments, Ayumi Hamasaki

stellar lyrics, no? i particularly enjoyed the video, which had scenes of her dressed in this white robe, carrying a candle and walking down the hallway of a massive mansion. damn artistic.

2005-07-25T21:35:00.000+08:00

well, i'm beginning to like Delta pretty much after my first two shifts at work. the people in this team are very helpful actually, and very patient. and forgiving. basically everyone adopts the "we're all here to learn, its ok to make mistakes" philosophy, and i'm not complaining. intriguingly, i've noticed that first impressions really form lasting impressions here in Delta. people scrutinize your actions on your first day there- and draw as many conclusions as they can about you, based on the way you carry yourself. this isn't necessarily a good thing, as certain things have happened (that would be inappropriate to be discussed here). as far as i can see, i've made a fairly reasonable first impression (i won't say good, that would be a tad too egoistic). seems that the senior NSFs have judged my potential, and have rated me as a "strong SC to-be". basically they've hinted to me that they want me to become a Steersman in future, to take over "the other strong SCs who are going to ORD". which effectively means the regulars are gonna monitor me closely, and i can't slack during patrol (not that i wanted to anyway). i'll have to be on form for the next 6 months or so the very least. i hope to live up to their expectations la.. i mean i don't intend to waste away my remaining time in NS. if i do become a steersman, i'll have a class 3 (boat) license. which is pretty cool, right? how many civilians have boat licenses? lol.

that said, looks like i gotta make sme major changes in my outlook of life. not too long ago i used to live for weekends, they were my sole motivation to endure the agony of weekdays. and now, its like there's been a revolution in my life: i just worked away the previous weekend, and this coming weekend i'm working too. looks like its gonna take time for me to adjust to this alien schedule. right now on my off days i feel bereft of any will or purpose. i feel like driftwood.

of course, there's that other thought constantly gnawing at the back of my mind, craving for attention. sigh. what should i do?

how long before i break down these walls? how long before you let me in?

2005-07-23T12:50:00.000+08:00

sia la.. Team Delta, Gul Regional Base. my new team, which i'll be with for the next 1.5 years. its actually the smallest team in GRB. not many regulars, 3 female regulars, and quite a large proportion of NSFs. oh and did i mention? too many mats. -_-"

anyway yeterday was my first day at work as a patrol officer. and guess what? i kena sentry. just great.lol. sentry is like a really elaborate affair in Team Delta. there are several duties a sentry has to do, namely main gate watch, prowler, station diarist, and jetty/tower sentry. well, can't help it.. being a noob i was pretty much tekaned. by the station sergeant, and by the mats. zzz.lol. shall not comment. who knows one of them may be reading my blog. anonymous readership of this blog is reaching unhealthy levels..but i'm veering off topic.

anyway i worked 15hours yesterday. and if you're on sentry you work slightly less than when you're on patrol. and guess what? i'm patrolling tonight. is today a saturday? i have no life sia..working on friday and saturday.

anyways. i won't be having any life from now on. duty roster for Team Delta this year is pretty fucked up. i'm working a shitload of weekends. oh and did you know xmas falls on a sunday? which means monday is a public holiday for civilians? and guess what? i'm working on BOTH days.

oh, and i'm working on hari raya.. what else? deepavali? oh yea and new years' eve. so there. enough said. i shall spare the reader a paragraph of vulgarities.

2005-07-20T19:39:00.000+08:00

i don't know what to say.

all these years i've managed to effectively conceal my feelings. and i used to think that i was 'strong', secretly sneering at people who whiled away their time yearning and waiting for impossible things to materialize. or hopelessly staring at the mobile phone, waiting for an SMS that was never sent. and i labelled them as 'weak'. of course, i felt it was my duty to help them, and i did. believe me, i've counselled quite a few people.

its ironic that their fate has been bestowed on me. i mean, if you are able to help someone overcome a particular obstacle, its kinda inherently assumed that that obstacle is not an obstacle for you, right?

goddamnit la. how would i have known so many things would have happened over one fucking weekend? things that would leave me yearning? me? who has perfected the way of the hermit? it just feels so absurd and hypocritical for me to be saying this. really.

sigh. i feel lost. why is my entire will, and all my thought bent on one thing? fuck lah. i've never yearned for anything like this before.

arghhhhp0508- V_#(%2oyu08ty0]jpJ07986n(&$xy(@qy$)*OIo@*()$^ ncoihc )n)n#@%yu #hr%(p{#qp_p o#@(%u_(#_}%@}{)(U#C %)U_}_}#_

nvm. i will wait for the call. or the reply. it will come. i have to have it.

i feel pathetic that i've been reduced to this state.. what will i do? and yet, i feel like a burden's been lifted off my chest with this post.

i honestly don't need this right now. not when i'm at an important crossroad in my NS. god.. i just hope i don't screw everything up.

i am enamoured of your persona, your charisma, your voice, your everything. you are omnipresent in my eyes. i worship you.

2005-07-16T10:16:00.000+08:00

gosh.. POP in no.1. i'm never gonna forget it sia. so. i'm finally a full-fledged Police Coast Guard Officer. kinda sad actually. i'm gonna miss my friends who aren't going to the same base as me. sigh.

aiya..alot of things to say. but i just don't know how tyo express myself right now.

will update later..

2005-07-09T11:41:00.000+08:00

boy.

9 days have passed just like that, and i am totally shagged after fulfilling my duties as a security personnel at the IOC meet.

well, london won the bid for 2012. damn. i was rooting for Paris actually.

on a sidenote, it was rather unfortunate that london was bombed. in this case the victims were truly innocent civilians..there's really nothing else left to say. it was a rude shock.

anyway, after the bombing it was even more stressful for us police officers already working very hard behind the scenes. all sectors were on standby at high alert, and at my sector, we had to conduct 120% safety/security checks on every vehicle passing by (up from the usual 100% checks we were doing for the past few days).

i guess our efforts paid off, as we ended our 9-day vigil earlier this morning, ensuring no bomb exploded in Singapore during the meet. to sum it all, this deployment has been truly an eye-opener for me. it is indeed rare for police coast guard officers to be deployed for land duties..so we have to treasure all the land experience we can get. over the one and a half weeks, i made many new friends among the reservists and division personnel. truly a great bunch of people to work with. i actually felt sad this morning when we broke off and said our final goodbyes before parting.

well..looks like i have the weekend to recuperate from this stressful past week. and i have to gear up for POP. which happenes to be on next friday btw. busy busy busy. i haven't even sent my no.1 for drycleaning. haven't put on the buttons. haven't polished boots. die la.

in the meantime..i'm off to catch War of the Worlds. i'll prolly update some other time.

okay okay..i'll post up the pics soon k? whoever was the one who spread the rumour that i look cute in my uniform. is gonna get it.

ciao

2005-07-04T12:54:00.000+08:00

literally spent the entire weekend at Raffles City, screening cargo-laden vehicles for explosives. well, if i were an IOC member..i'd really feel secure in singapore. i mean. this is as tight as security can get. just look at the number of police officers being deployed for this event. its practically 75% of the police force. if quantity does not justify the level of security, consider the equipment we use. special UV mirrors, the C4 electronic sniffer (to detect chemical signatures of explosives) as well as dogs from SOC K-9 unit (trained to sniff out drugs and explosives), and not to mention, standard police officer protocol (baton, revolver, handcuffs).

hmm.and on sunday when were were about to hand over duty to the morning shift officers, this inspector came up to our screening bay, and told us to re-screen one lorry we had just screened. apparently he wanted to film the screening process, ss part of a video to be presented to CP. he insisted that "one of the guys with beret go up the vehicle. more garang". LOL. the only guys with berets in the screening bay were the 4 coast guard officers. and somehow all of them managed to slip away, leaving me in the limelight. nugget. so i had to don my beret and pretend to screen the vehicle. it so happened that the lorry was laden with fresh chicken. and there was goo all over the floor surface. and i nearly slipped sia lol. so..i feel honoured to be in a video that's gonna be shown to our commissioner..lol!

well, after barely a night of rest, i'm back on duty again. later.

rest assured, people of Singapore and International Olympic Committee, your security is safe in our hands =)

2005-07-01T08:06:00.000+08:00

my mind has been way too overactive recently. in the day, my focus easily drifts from tasks at hand, and instead i spend hours thinking about things that really won't make my day any better. at night, when i hit the sack, it no longer feels like sleeping anymore. its more like lying in bed awake, but with my eyes closed. . vivid dreams overwhelm and devour me through the night. and i mean the whole night. when i wake up in the morning, i feel utterly spent and lethargic. my body aches, and my head spins, its like i don't get any rest from sleeping anymore. moreover, i can remember my dreams now. and i mean clearly and accurately. its disturbing enough for me to recall bits and pieces of my morbid dreams, let alone the whole dream. all this culminates in me feeling moody the whole day. this really doesn't help at this stressful period of time with POP coming snd all. arghhhhhh

anyway, speaking of POP, its been postponed to 15 July. because of the International Olympic Committee convention here in sg from 6th-9th July. seems that security for this event is so tight and extensive that there are not enough regulars to do the task. and so NSmen are being mobilised too. well mostly coast guard officers are being mobilised. so from 1-10 July i will be involved in the security of the IOC convention. the thing is, i've been assigned to a permanent night shift group (9pm-9am). which means i will be working only night shifts during this deployment. its terrible..we get only 1 night off for working 2 nights.

grrr. i still don't know my job scope yet. apparently they say PCG is involved in detecting explosives..hmmm. i'll be going for the briefing later to find out. anyway, if u see me in full uniform (complete with beret and firearms) around Raffles City, do entertain me. i'm gonna be so bored.

nabei. if not for this thing i'll be POPing this coming thursday.

2005-06-26T14:18:00.000+08:00

while you are away
my heart comes undone
slowly unravels
in a ball of yarn

the devil collects it
with a grin
our love
in a ball of yarn

he'll never return it

so when you come back
we'll have to make new love

-Unravel, Bjork

i want you, but i don't want you to want me. that's why i haven't spoken to you in ages. what should we do?

2005-06-25T01:37:00.000+08:00

i feel obnoxious.

2005-06-18T09:44:00.000+08:00

i took a handwriting analysis test (sourced from liz's blog). these are the results:

******* The Analysis Starts Here *******

Ranjay has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. He lets new people into his circle of friends. He uses his imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

Ranjay is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. He needs to visualize the end of a project before he starts. He finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said he plans everything he is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Ranjay basically feels good about himself. He has a positive self-esteem which contributes to his success. He feels he has the ability to achieve anything he sets his mind to. However, he sets his goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". He has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, he will not take great risks, as they relate to his goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence category, his self-perception is better than average.

In reference to Ranjay's mental abilities, he has a very investigative and creative mind. He investigates projects rapidly because he is curious about many things. He gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but he soon must slow down and look at all the angles. He probably gets too many things going at once. When Ranjay slows down, then he becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, he must slow down to do it. He then decides what projects he has time to finish. Thus he finishes at a slower pace than when he started the project. He has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. His mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. He can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Ranjay can then switch into his low gear. When he is in the slower mode, he can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. He is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Ranjay is secretive. He has secrets which he does not wish to share with others. He intentionally conceals things about himself. He has a private side that he intends to keep that way, especially concerning certain events in his past.

Ranjay is moderately outgoing. His emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, he can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. He has the ability to put himself into the other person's shoes. Ranjay will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes he will be happy, the next day he might be sad. He has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because he is in between. Psychology calls Ranjay an ambivert. He understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, he will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." He doesn't sway too far one way or the other. When convincing him to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to him. He puts himself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet he will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Ranjay is an expressive person. He outwardly shows his emotions. He may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story. Ranjay is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. He weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when he finally has to. He basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.

lol.
the results are uncannily accurate. i bolded the parts that are especially true.

2005-06-12T19:49:00.000+08:00

sian. training attachment is over. i'm sure gonna miss the guys and girls of Team Charlie, Gul Regional Base. for now, its back to mundane training again..for 1 more month zzzz. so, right now, i'm still thinking whether i should apply for office hours when i pass out. if i don't, i'll most definitely become a patrol officer. true, i get $150 extra allowance and all, and i get to learn alot, but i find it really tiring..to work 12 hour shifts (from what i can see from the past 2 weeks at sea). then again, if i choose to go to Gul Base, i'll get to work with those regulars. somehow i really enjoyed their company la. gained lots of insights, new perspectives and advice from them.

anyway, i finally went back to NJ on friday to collect my cert, and stumbled into han and teo. haha. what a pleasant surprise. sorta reminded me of the past..when we used to sneak off from ld outings, and have our own secret outings LOL. NJ seems to be in a mess right now, with renovation works and all. the buildings have been freshly painted..but the new colour scheme is pretty irksome. dirty green, and bright red?

so over lunch, han was telling me how a significant proportion of NJ people feared going to NUS, and would rather go to NTU (assuming they got accepted into the same course in both universities). probably because the NTU environment is somehow 'safer', as how teo put it. its pretty much akin to the NJ environment really. the NUS environment on the other hand is much different, mainly due to the diverse background of the campus population. come to think of it, i realise school culture was not part of my criteria when i was choosing a university. somehow i knew it had to be NUS, the other two were not practical (NTU is way too far, SMU doesn't offer the courses i want). i guess i've changed. just two years ago, school culture was like one of the main criteria i had in mind when i was choosing a junior college. hmm.

on a sidenote, tomorrow is my dear pigeon's birthday.haha.if you're reading this, hsppy birthday! =)

2005-06-08T15:34:00.000+08:00

Joel, I'm not a concept. I want you to just keep that in your head. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked-up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.

-Clementine, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

i finally got to watch Eternal Sunshine today. it was such a breath of fresh air. such a great concept, great lines, great chemistry between the actors- jim carrey, kate winslet, kirsten dunst, even elijah wood. i HAVE to watch it again.

2005-06-04T15:57:00.000+08:00

omg.

The Letter, which i had given up waiting for, arrived today! which means i'm accepted into the University Scholars Programme at NUS!

finally, i can rest in peace.

woohooo!

2005-06-04T08:29:00.000+08:00

saw this on en's blog..decided to do it since i've got nothing better to do anyways.

FOUR NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Jay.
2. Ranjay.
3. Jay-Z.
4. Penguin/Teddy Bear/Guinea Pig. (various animal names acquired over the years, grouped into one category.lol)

FOUR SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. Da^CaT. (lol.my hideous past in irc)
2. PsYwAvE.
3. xwave.
4. asongforXX. (MS nick. sigh, my beloved assassin..)

FOUR PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Asian.
2. Singaporean.
3. Indian.
4. Hindu. (in my birth cert. i'm an agnostic really.)

FOUR THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. HEIGHTS.
2. Spiders.
3. Water.
4. Death.

FOUR OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Computer.
2. Mp3 Player.
3. Food.
4. Sleep.

FOUR THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Tee.
2. Berms.
3. Chain.
4. Ring.

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Ayumi Hamasaki.
2. Bjork.
3. Nightwish.
4. Madonna.

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. M.
2. Distance.
3. Cocoon.
4. Dolls.

FOUR THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Commitment.
2. Meaningful conversation.
3. Intimacy.
4. Sincerity.

THREE TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. I talk in my sleep.
2. I was chased by a peacock in the zoo when i was six.
3. I enjoy being in crowded places.
4. I lived in Geylang when I was very young.

FOUR PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Hair
2. Eyes
3. Nose (yes, i have a fetish for sharp noses)
4. wtf? Smile? . i'm not a very physical person =/

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Online games.
2. Watching movies.
3. Music.
4. Dreaming.

FOUR THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Buy all the CDs i want.
2. Go to a Nightwish or Ayumi concert.
3. Go back to that dream (woke up at the climax -.-)
4. Sms her. Should i?????

FOUR CAREERS YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. Doctor
2. Teacher
3. Psychologist
4. Researcher <--looks like this is where i'm headed now..

FOUR PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Venice
2. Japan
3. Maldives
4. Africa

FOUR KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Natalie
2. Namie
3. Sylvester
4. Faramir

FOUR THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Visit obscure places.
2. Write a book.
3. Design and build my own house.
4. Snuggle up with that special someone at the beach, and stargaze =)

FOUR WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A MAN:
1. Insensitive.
2. Unrefined. (lol?)
3. Violent. (but i suppress my rage if anyone is around)
4. Techie. (lol!)

lol, interesting questionnaire.

2005-05-31T14:15:00.000+08:00

hmm..i've been really busy with training and all. now, the highlight of my 3 month training stint with Coast Guard is finally here..the training attachment. where i get to patrol Singapore waters for 2 weeks, and get as much hands-on experience as i can. however, it does not help that i'm being posted to Gul Base (somewhere in the far reaches of the West, beyond Boon Lay -_-'). moreover, i've been attached to Team Charlie, which apparently has the most formidable crew commander among all the teams at Gul. which effectively means i'm going to have quite a stressful time living up to this commander's high expectations. luckily i have 3 of my squadmates accompanying me at Charlie..lol.

on a lighter note, Charlie patrols the south-western waters of Singapore, so i'll get to see Sentosa, Jurong island, Southern Islands..and several more. which i've never seen in my life. so yeah. wish me luck, i'll be back in 2 weeks time. ciaos!

2005-05-27T19:42:00.000+08:00

Your Seduction Style: The Dandy

You're a non-traditionalist, not limited by gender roles or expectations.
Your sexuality is more fluid than that - and you defy labels or categories.
It's hard to pin you down, and that's what's fascinating about you.
You have the psychology of both a male and a female, and you can relate to anyone.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

2005-05-22T20:53:00.000+08:00

caught Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith yesterday, centre row seats at lido 1, on a SATURDAY, the first weekend since its premiere. wooohooo. i feel much at peace after watching the movie, but there seem to be a few inconsistencies in the movie. especially the thing about the "revival of Qui-Gon" (?), i thought only those who practised the Dark Side of the Force knew the key to eternal life. hmmm. and, i must say, Hayden Christensen was such a horrible actor in this movie (probably his worst). i've seen far better movies where he played much better leading roles, say Life as a House for example. bah. Natalie Portman wasn't any better, if not worse. not only were many of her lines corny (think: "Annie! you're breaking my heart!!"), her acting was really really off (think: one of the final few scenes, where Obi-Wan hid in the ship she took to Mustafar, and when he came out of the ship she had totally no reaction at all.. geez. i mean at least have a shocked/surprised look or smth la). in short, the dialogue wasn't good. alas, one cannot deny the spectacular nature of the film. just think of the scene where Anakin receives his bionic implants with the sleek black mask and his transformation into Darth Vader is completed..pure ownage.

i think i'm becoming a movie freak nowadays... every weekend i have to catch at least one movie or i'll feel really uncomfortable. this is becoming a costly affair..lol. especially since movie ticket prices have inflated -_-;;

2005-05-21T12:42:00.000+08:00

Romaji

tachikomeru kumo sukima nuu you ni
hoshitachi ga semegiau
sakebi ni mo nita
inori no you na kagayaki ga
mune wo shimetsukeru

asa yo douka watashi wo hayaku mukae ni kite
yowasa wo kakushikirenaku naru mae ni

(*) anata ga inai dake de konna ni
yoru ga samishii nante fushigi ne

ato dono kurai onaji you na
tsumi wo okashite kurikaeshitara

watashi wa hito de nakunatte shimau no darou
dare no me ni mo utsuranaku naru no darou

korogaru you ni nigekonda basho ni
hoshii mono no nante nai
kokoro kara kanjou dake wo hagitotte
kamen ni egao haritsukeru
douka konna toko kara watashi wo tsuresatte
subete ga omoide ni naru mae ni

(**) anata to deai hito wo ai suru
imi wo sukoshi shitta ki ga shita
itsuka tsugunaikireta toshitara
yurusareru hi ga yatte kita nara

dakedo imasara shiawase no teigi nante
kataru shikaku nado doko ni mo nokotte'nai

(*) repeat
(**) repeat

sou ne watashi ni wa koufuku na ketsumatsu nado
niawanai koto mo dare yori wakatte iru

English Translation

There are lots of stars
As if to fill the gap between thick clouds
They are shining, like a prayer
Almost like a shout
And my chest is constricted

I hope the morning will come for me soon
Before I can't hide away my weakness

(*) It's strange I feel so lonely at night
Only because you are not here

After so many times of
Committing a sin like this

Will I be inhuman?
Will I be invisible to everyone?

I find nothing I want in a place like this
Which I escaped and tumbled into
I rip my feelings off my heart
And stick a smile on the mask
Please take me away from here
Before everything becomes a memory

(**) I felt I knew the meaning of love a little
After I had met you
If I can finish my penance some day
If I'm forgiven some day ...

But I have no right after all that
To tell the definition of happiness

(*) repeat
(**) repeat

Well, I know better than anyone else
That a happy ending never suits me

-Happy Ending, Ayumi Hamasaki

haven't heard such a depressing song in ages. i suppose its because i haven't really been depressed for quite a long time. since the start of 2005, i've usually felt apaethetic (i.e. sian) most of the time, maybe even somewhat happy (rarely), but i haven't sunk into the doldrums like i used to in the past. this song just brings back memories of my old self/past...haha...

2005-05-17T22:15:00.000+08:00

Quoteworthy:

"Don't die for your country. Let the other party die for his country!"

-OC Pang

lol. police officers (especially my instructors) never fail to amaze me with their shrewd anecdotes.

which reminds me, i have my gunnery exam tomorrow. and radar theory exam next week. and radar practical evaluation this friday. arghhhhhhh.

pfft.

2005-05-15T20:24:00.000+08:00

watched kingdom of heaven yesterday. personally, i feel that it didn't live up to its rating of 5 stars.. i'd give it only 4. or maybe 3.5. true, it is indeed a great directing feat for ridley scott (who'd have expected him to make this film?), but lacks the flair of an epic. nevertheless, it was definitely historically accurate (for the most part). except that they didn't show the battle between the templars and Saladin's army. they only showed the spoils of war. well, come to think of it..it wasn't really a battle. it was pure ownage. i mean, barely 50 templars flanked against a 200,000-strong army? oh, and they didn't show the capture, rape and murder of Saladin's sister. apart from these discrepancies, i guess it was pretty good. the very fact that they managed to recreate ancient Jerusalem impressed me. and the battle scenes were very realistic too. perhaps the only flaw of the film is its length..they should have made it longer. and explored the crusades in greater detail. it isn't a very noob-friendly movie, if you know what i mean.

2005-05-11T21:51:00.000+08:00

much to my horror, i discovered that the friendly neighbourhood barber was CLOSED. for good, i mean. the whole place was all boarded up and sealed shut, it was almost as if they had been evicted from the place. well, you know me, i don't get a haircut that often (cause i simply HATE getting my hair cut, even though i detest long and thick hair even more) and after having reluctantly dragged myself all the way to bukit panjang plaza after a gruelling day of training (with surprise PT -_-), there was NO WAY i was gonna go back home without getting my hair cut. so i roamed around bpp, looking for a hairdresser/barber or something of that sort, and i stumbled into 'EC House'. lol. i was pretty apprehensive at first. i hate new and unfamiliar surroundings (how i miss the cosy seats in the neighbourhood barber shop), and this one was definitely very alien. everything was so high-tech. first, you have to insert a $10 note into this machine, to redeem a ticket. and then, you have to proceed to the waiting area, and sit on the seat specified by your ticket, and wait for your turn. after awhile, i was ushered to the hairdressing area by this lady (middle-aged, late 30s?). at that point of time i was even more nervous, cause i've never had my hair cut by a female hairdresser. it was always by those uncles in the nieghbourhood barbers,LOL. but, her resourcefulness impressed me. she studied my hair for a few seconds, and then spouted out a few sentences about my hair "hard...natural curls..thick" (what's new? i know my hair sucks) and then came her diagnosis: "and so i'll cut high slope for you, ok?" who would have known? 90% of barbers who assess my hair always attempt to cut a "slope" style for me, and not "high slope" style, which is what i want. turns out, it was the most worthwhile haircut i had in months. $10 well spent. great customer service, friendly hairdressers, state-of-the-art equipment (electronic razors specially for shaving sideburns; vacuum pump to suck away all stray hairs after the haircut, leaving you looking clean and fresh).

in other news, jia yi lent me his voyage CDs today. ah, the bliss! it feels so good to listen to new age music, after so long. i have yet to coax him to lend me his sarah brightman CD collection, or at least her latest, harem. and, i have yet to buy my bjork CDs. this weekend i shall get someone to accompany me to gramophone at Specialists' Shopping Centre.

bah, seamanship exam on friday.. the most crucial examination in the maritime policing course. basically it assesses whether you're skilled in the way of the seafarer..zzzzz. wish me luck!

2005-05-07T22:29:00.000+08:00

hmmm.. received a letter from the university scholars programme (USP) today. apparently, i'm inivited to apply for the joint degree program between NUS and ANU (australian national university), bachelor of philosophy- bachelor of science (honours). the good thing is, 3 semesters out of the 8 will be spent in ANU. unfortunately, this programme only offers chemistry, mathematics and physics honours. .which means that i can't possibly apply for it. i mean, i still choose passion (or interest, rather) over the prestige. turning away this opportunity is a big sacrifice to pay for pursuing my dream degree..sigh. sometimes i wonder why i've chosen to pursue life science. is it "because its the flavour of the month", as the guy at the USP interview put it? why not accountancy? or medicine? or law? or business? everyone seems to be taking the tried and tested route. i feel pretty insecure actually, i mean, career prospects-wise. i was flipping through today's newspaper's Recruit section, and i noticed there was only one miserable job vacancy requiring specialty in life sciences, it being the post of medical/lab technician. . so the reality is, i'll most likely be unemployed when i graduate with a basic degree. albeit somewhat insecure, i'm not the least bit worried anyhow. i've never thought about life after tertiary education anyways. work sucks.

anyhow, this letter is the first letter i've received from the USP after my interview in april. does it indirectly imply that i've been accepted into the USP? geez..can't they just send us a letter stating whether we're accepted or rejected? ah, the suspense. i'm beginning to enjoy it already. -_-

2005-05-05T21:33:00.000+08:00

was rummaging through some of my old photos, and reminiscing about college and secondary school days. especially the days of sec 1 and 2.. the most fun and carefree if you ask me. lol, the times when me and keith kept irritating bala. and the times of sjab..with keith hanif sam clarence andy and all the rest.

on a heavier note, its only the 5th week of my PCGO course. which means that there's still 7 weeks more, or slightly less than 2 months. i'm getting really bored.. i mean, the way of the seafarer is not particularly my cup of tea. on top of that, there's the added burden of having to abosrb facts as they are being taught to us. its a pretty new lifestyle for me. i mean, for someone who has such a limited timespan of attention, and stones during 90% of lectures as a result.

and the girl who has been sleeping on my shoulder in the bus every other day has mysteriously vanished. the horror! the agony! now my motivation to endure the long ride on 963 is gone. zzzz and we were getting along so well (LOL).

maybe i should consider taking the mrt to camp from now on. hmmmm?

2005-05-04T23:59:00.000+08:00

quiz sourced from huijun's blog:

W... Tungsten
You scored 54 Mass, 20 Electronegativity, 58 Metal, and 10 Radioactivity!

You may buy into the values of society, but you just can't seem to fit into it. You've always been a bit too prone to over-reacting. On the bright side you can withstand extremely high energy people and environments just as easily as you can low energy ones. You might do comparatively well hanging out with Phosphorous people as a result. In fact, you are probably the best suited person to try to shape their efforts into something constructive... unfortunately, that would require your actively involving yourself with someone, which you are generally loathe to do. The ideal job for you would be working within a nuclear power plant... alone.

The Which Chemical Element Am I Test written by effataigus on Ok Cupid

2005-05-03T21:06:00.000+08:00

i broke off contact with a certain someone yesterday. not that ____ was someone i was very close with, but still. looking at the smses, i'm tempted to reply. but of course, replying would lead to the inevitable.. which i'm not prepared to face. zzzzzz how i wish i could just be a hermit, and live in my room, and have no contact with anyone whatsoever.

am i making any sense?

2005-05-01T11:15:00.000+08:00

One breath away
from Mother Oceania
your nimble feet make prints
in my sand

You have done
good for yourselves
since you left my wet embrace
and crawled ashore

Every boy is a snake is a lily
every pearl is a lynx is a girl

Sweet like harmony
made into flesh
you dance by my side
children sublime

You show me continents
- I see the islands
you count the centuries
- I blink my eyes

Hawks and sparrows
race in my waters
stingrays are floating
across the sky

Little ones
- my sons and my daughters
your sweat is salty - I am why
I am why
I am why
your sweat is salty - I am why
I am why
I am why

-Oceania, Bjork

finally met my match. in terms of musical taste i mean. and it was none other than my squadmate, jy lol. he's probably the only other person i know who appreciates Bjork like i do.

2005-04-26T22:23:00.000+08:00

after two gruelling days of basic firefighting course at the civil defence academy, my perceptions of CD has changed. as far as NS is concerned, CD isn't a dumping ground for rejects, and definitely isn't slack. in fact, i pretty much respect CD NSFs for having the discipline and endurance to complete their basic training. the bmt at CD (ie firefighting training) is 6 solid months man. and to think just two days there has completely shagged me out. but the things we did were defintely fun. like the ship simulator, which is this building filled with obstacles, simulating a ship's interior. we had to cross all the obstacles blindfolded, and breathe using the breathing apparatus (12.6kg oxygen tank on our backs). it was damn freaky (coz you can't tell when the air will run out, since you're blindfolded and can't see the pressure gauge), but thoroughly enthralling anyway. oh..and not to forget the smoke filled corridors (and i really mean smoke filled), 100kg dummy casualty (-_-) and putting out the flash fires in the furnace. god, we should never underestimate the power of fire man. i literally felt like i was being fried from the inside when i went into the room with the flash fire (fire which spreads onto the ceiling and walls). definitely, an eye-opener. who could have guessed i was capable of passing such a tough course? lol.

2005-04-24T17:39:00.000+08:00

just stumbled upon this article of a PSC (was it PSC) scholar who allegedly posted racist entries on his blog, and then the whole thing was blown out of proportion, and next thing you know it was all over the news, with him being disgraced and put to shame.

as far as i was concerned, i was pretty alarmed by this article. i mean, when someone hosts a blog, he/she has the full right to post whatever he/she wants to. its ridiculous not to have freedom of speech and to practise censorship on a blog..really. true, it is always argued that since a blog is public, the onus is on the writer to be subtle and sensitive in his posts. BUT, technology has way advanced, and there is the option of having a private blog. in this case, the author locks his blog with a password, and only those who are given the password are allowed to read the content in the blog. so i'm guessing, whoever who spread that scholar's blog posts around must be either 1)a hacker or 2)a friend in disguise, out to defame him. seriously, who cares about what someone writes about in his private blog? does it mean that its unbecoming of a scholar to post supposedly-racist blog entries, and just because of that, get his scholarship revoked? i think thats just bull.

i really think that 'thesaint' and all those who complained about his private entries are just fucktards man. i mean, the content wasn't even meant for their eyes, so they have no right to be offended by it anyway. i feel sorry for the guy really, his reputation seems to have been ruined by this ridiculous incident. in fact, judging from his impressive portfolios, it would be a waste if his scholarship were to be revoked.

on a sidenote, the article has left me pondering how safe it actually is to post entries on a blog, especially a public one. i mean, who knows how many people are out there just waiting to twist your entries out of context. and destroy your life in the process.

my advice is, think twice before posting controversial blog entries..even if yours is password protected. of course, you could always turn to the tried and tested real diary, and rant to your heart's content, and not piss anyone off accidentally. lol.

2005-04-22T21:27:00.000+08:00

Romaji

mikakete mitsukete misadamete iru
mitsumete midarete mitasarete iru demo

miagete mikakete mikurabete iru hora
mikubiru mitoreru mihanasarete'ru

sou bokura wa arayuru subete no basho de tsunagatte iru kara
kono kotoba ni tsuite kangaeru kimi to datte mou sude ni

aa bokura ga itsu ka eien no nemuri ni tsuku koro made ni
totteoki no kotoba o hatashite ikutsu kawaseru no darou?

mikakete mitsukete misadamete iru
mitsumete mitorete mitasarete iru demo

miagete mikakete mikurabete iru hora
mikubiru mitoreru mihanasarete'ru

sou bokura wa arayuru subete no basho de tsunagatte iru kara
kono kotoba ni tsuite kangaeru kimi to datte mou sude ni

English Translation

I see, I find, I make sure.
I stare, I'm fascinated, I'm satisfied, but

I look up, I see, I compare.
I despise, I stray, I'm abandoned.

We're connected at each and every place so
when I think this word, you'll already know.

Oh, by the time we sleep the deep sleep,
how many precious words will we have exchanged?

I see, I find, I make sure.
I stare, I'm fascinated, I'm satisfied, but

I look up, I see, I compare.
I despise, I stray, I'm abandoned.

We're connected at each and every place so
when I think this word, you'll already know.

-Connected, Ayumi Hamasaki

haha..i can totally relate to the lyrics man.

2005-04-21T22:22:00.000+08:00

the divide between ITE graduates and JC graduates is becoming increasingly apparent, or so it seems as my NS days pass me by. back in the days of basic training, my bunk kept to itself, rarely socializing with the other 2 bunks. reason being, first of all, my bunk was english-speaking; the others chinese-speaking. logically, there would be little room for fruitful discussions between two parties as such. interestingly, the other 2 bunks were filled with ITE graduates, as compared to my bunk (3 JC grads, 1 priv. dip. grad). in fact, the other 2 bunks were utterly childish, as they would play lame pranks on each other as well as us every so often, and engage in childish discussions packed with lame jokes. as a result, my bunk kinda ostracized itself from the other 2 bunks. at first i thought such disharmony couldn't be helped, it was kind of ca circumstantial thing. but i was indeed wrong, as such an educational divide exists even now, in my new PCG squad.

basically, during lessons, everyone sits in their cliques. the biggest clique of all, inevitably, happened to be the mat gang (it happens alot here in NS- somehow they just coalesce together). the next group, is kind of a sparsely-knit cluster of people, mainly chinese, and ITE graduates. together, these 2 cliques occupy the front half of the classroom, and they tend to socialize fairly well during lessons. next comes the neutral zone, housing about 6 of us (all from various backgrounds- diploma, ITE, A levels). we aren't particularly close or anything, but we have pretty decent conversations from time to time. this group occupies the middle portion of the classroom. and finally, there's the clique of JC grads (all of them SC CPLs, mostly english-speaking, pretty closely-knit) which occupies the back half of the classroom. the mats seldom or never mix with the neutral zone or JC grad clique, choosing to hang out with the chinese clique instead. and, the chinese clique has this grudge against the JC grad clique (apparently they can't stand the attitude of the SC CPLs). by now, you should have realised that i must be one of the most neutral people around in the squad, lest i would not have found out the nature of the different cliques. in fact, i pretty much am. i get along well with the CPLs, mainly coz they are english-speaking. for the chinese clique, i try to acknowledge them whenever possible, laughing along at their lame jokes (probably rolling my eyes mentally). as for the mats, well. i've never gotten along well with this kinda people, even back in my sji days.

ultimately, i'm like stuck at the crossroad? liked by both the warring cliques (chinese clique vs. CPL clique), though the former has expressed clearly its disapproval of me siding the latter.

sadly, when forced to take sides, i'd probably join the latter. even though the latter may be the minority. the reason? well, i kinda agree with naveen that most of these ITE guys are 'tards. note, that was a qualified statement: MOST not ALL. there are exceptions, like for example this ITE guy in our neutral zone clique, who i get along with pretty well.

in a way, such behaviour can be attributed to the education system i guess. i mean, how often do you see ITE grads and JC grads hanging out together, chilling out and hsving coffee together? like virtually never? sad, but true. its pretty sad.

which brings me to the point of this post: basically, squad 04/05 is as disunited as 52/04. enough said.

2005-04-21T22:14:00.000+08:00

nicknames i've acquired over the years:

1.dark templar
2.ran jie(whatever that means)
3.da cat (long story, dates back to sec 2 lol)
4.psy
5.teddy bear (-_-)
6.jayfish (what the mantous call me)
7.jay
8.jay chou (-_-)
9.jj (NS friends, especially at PCG)?
10.jay-Z (NS friends again)
11.penguin (by ben, my bunkmate lol.)

the horror. -_________-

2005-04-17T02:11:00.000+08:00

shallowness is the key to achieving stability of mind, at least to a certain extent.

2005-04-16T10:22:00.000+08:00

zzz.imagine sitting through a 6 hour lecture on Seamanship. thats exactly what i did on friday. our instructor was this SSI (senior station inspector), who's been in the force for over 25years. although he shared some of his interesting experiences with us, the lecture was still pretty much boring -_-. wonder how many more weeks of seamanship theory i have to endure before i can get out to sea?

seems that we have to learn how to use M16, HK, MP5 and the taurus revolver (which we already learnt how to use during basic training). bah, the bad thing about rifles is that there's no lasersight. have to use ironsight all the way -_-. and sad to say, my iron sight aiming is pretty horrible. i got my marksman rating totally from lasersight aiming.lol!

well, anyway, our training grounds are gonna be demolished very soon (end of this year i think). brani naval base used to be an army camp (explaining the horrible conditions). currently the new PCG HQ is being built just next to e base, and once its opened, the HQ will shift operations from kallang to brani. as for our training grounds, i think it will be handed over to POLCOM (police communications). the POLCOM building is actually the most intriguing piece of architecture around there. for one thing, it looks pretty out of place- a chalet/resort-style building sandwiched between a construction site, and the shoddy brani naval base. besides that, the building has extremely high security enforcement. apparently, there are no lock-and-key doors in the building, everything is electronically operated, and you have to use a smart card to enter. and its also guarded by several cisco officers (armed with revolvers), and PCG sentry officers (armed with HK i think). anybody caught illegally trespassing the complex will be gunned down immediately, or so our OC says. actually i'd like to explore the interior of the building, especially the central ops room (which is underground). i've only seen pictures of it, showing high tech equipment, and comp screens everywhere. damn cool. looks just like a covert ops base.

oh, and i survived my survival jump!lol.basically, we were made to stand at the bow of the boat (forgot which class, PT-class or PC class boat i think), climb over the protective railing, and stand at the tip of the boat basically. looks like attempted suicide from afar.lol. basically, you just have to stand straight, pinch your nose, and not look down (coz if you do, you'll see the sea (which is pretty far below), and your legs will get shaky). when you're ready, you just have to report to the SSI, and then take one step off the edge, and plunge right in. the feeling was really awesome. i mean, combine fear, anxiety and excitement..the adrenaline rush was enthralling. the anticlimax for me was when i landed into the sea, coz i released my grip on my nose, so basically salt water gushed into my nose. and i accidentally gulped a few mouthfuls of sea water. it was so damn salty.ughh.lol. and then i just floated around aimlessly, waiting for my buddy to tow me to the liferaft (since i can't swim). looking back, i think i wouldn't mind jumping again. just for the adrenaline rush. sweeeeeeet.

ogay, thats all for now. details of my USP interview later...

2005-04-13T19:34:00.000+08:00

i just got volume 1 of my reading materials for Seamanship, and its definitely not looking good. just this first volume alone occupies a ring file (the kind with bigger than average rings -_-). who knows how many volumes there are? besides, seanmanship is merely one of the subjects we got to cover. there's still navigation, rule of the road, gunnery, defensive tactics etc etc etc. looks like a coast guard wannabe has to be a mugger too? according to my OC, it takes 5 years to fully train an independent full-fledged coast guard officer, and costs about 100-200k per trainee. seems the responsibilities of a PCGO are pretty high i guess. i mean, a steersman has to navigate a 3million dollar patrol boat?

sigh, anyways i'm having my survival jump tomorrow, so, lets pray i survive yea?

2005-04-13T19:31:00.000+08:00

got this from huijun's blog.

You Are 29 Years Old

29

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

old man at heart? -_-

2005-04-11T22:15:00.000+08:00

i'll still try to be as enthusiastic (lol) as possible. i want my SC SGT rank dearly, and my rank depends totally on my perfomance in this training.zzzz.

correction: well, it seems that my rank does not depend on my performance, but rather my qualifications (which i have- A levels), shooting (marksman- how much higher can one go?) and ippt (which i failed? *gasp*). therefore, in essence all i need to do is to pass my ippt and i'll get my SC SGT rank. right. easier said than done.

oh, and i have to go for the USP interview next week. i'm thinking i'll go in smart-casual attire, since i'm too lazy to shop for a shirt and a tie just for the damn interview.

correction: according to reliable sources i have to be dressed in formal attire. just great.

ng'tnpnpj35p0j-93osm f;almfmp2 =\l mgslmf;=0i=i[pkktwelawfw ggrrrrrrr i feel so burdened this week and its only monday arghhhhhhhhh

WOE IS ME.